Townhouse Confidential

Chapter 6

It was a rare night when the sisters sat down for a family dinner, but, when Liz texted FAMILY MEETING!!!, Lydia and Mary knew it was important. Now, sitting at the head of the table with a sister

on each side, Liz explained as calmly as she could what had led to her screaming match with George Barrow and the likelihood that Jonathan Grove, their prize tenant, would probably be moving out any day now.

“We're just going to have to call Sophie and ask her to find a new tenant," Lizzie said stoically, trying to put a plan in place. "The good news is that we've fixed all the problems in the apartment. We'll tell the new tenant about the outlet before he signs the lease and he probably won't even care.”

“But it could take months to find another tenant like Jonathan!" Lydia said. "Why don't we just take him down to The Little Branch and get him trashed and see what happens?

“Could you be even more of a slut if you tried?" Liz snapped, lashing out at her sister. "It's no wonder Mom and Dad named you after Lydia, the biggest ho in the whole Jane Austen canon.”

“Well, at least, I go out on dates every once in a while," Lydia retorted. "And I make more selling memberships at Equinox than you do icing cupcakes at the Magnolia Bakery.”

"Stop fighting, you guys!” said Mary, speaking up for the first time since Jonathan moved in. “Let’s pray to our inner goddess and ask her for another tenant to deliver us from our troubles.”

“Oh, get a job!" Lydia snapped. "The last time you prayed for a tenant we got a guy who sublet his apartment to a hooker and washed his Labrador in the tub.”

Mary looked down glumly. If Liz and Lydia weren’t her sisters, she fumed to herself, she would have called 3-1-1 and gotten the City to condemn the place years ago. 

“Maybe we shouldn't give up on Jonathan so quickly," Liz said. "He might enjoy a night out on the town with some of the local talent. Lydia, send out a blast to your Facebook friends! I'll see if I can get Billie to come, too.”

“You mean your gay tranny manager from Magnolia?" Lydia said in amazement. "Do you think Jonathan is ready for that? He only moved to the West Village three months ago.”

Liz smiled knowingly. "Girlfriends, we're going to give Jonathan a party he'll never forget!"

When Liz walked into the Magnolia Bakery the next morning, Billie was already there setting up. A professional football player turned drag queen, Billie stood a towering 6’3” with muscular arms, pink nails and a pair of pouty, red lips that could suck the chrome off a bumper. Though Billie’s co-workers knew he was a big, loveable teddy bear who wouldn’t hurt a fly, tourists often did a double-take when he asked for their order.

“How’s it going, sugar?” Billie cooed in his soft, deep, faux-Southern accent.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Liz snapped, tying a bandana around her head and strapping on her apron.

“Tenant problems?” Billie asked.

“You know it,” Liz said. “Just when I thought we had a real winner this time – a young, single hedgefunder named Jonathan Grove – it turns out that his best friend is the biggest asshole in the West Village.”

“So what’s the problem, honey pie?” Billie asked. “He pays the rent, doesn’t he?”

“It’s not that, Billie,” Liz said. “It’s that his friend is this big-time real estate developer who thinks he knows everything about townhouses. Every day he comes over and finds one more thing wrong with the apartment. One more thing that I’ve got to pay to repair.”

“So get Tommy to come and fix it,” Billie said with a smile. “I’m sure he’d be willing to do it for free if you got down on your knees and begged. If you don’t, I will. He’s smokin’ hot.”

“Fuck you, Billie!” Liz snapped. “We hooked one time at a New Year’s Eve party. We were both trashed. I doubt he even remembers. Anyway, that’s not the point. George came over to Jonathan’s apartment again last night, and, when he complained about that electrical outlet that wasn’t working, I just lost it. And now I’m probably going to lose Jonathan, too.”

Billie smiled and shook her head, loosening a long pink lock from his hair net.

“So what’s the plan?” Billie asked. “I know you’ve got one, baby. You always do.”

“Well, it’s actually Lydia’s plan,” Liz said, “but, for once, I think it’s a good one. We’ll throw a party for George and Jonathan down at The Little Branch, invite some hot girls, get them wasted and, before you know it, they’ll forget that electrical outlet even existed.”