Townhouse Confidential

Chapter 7

By the time Liz got off work at Magnolia and made her way down to The Little Branch, the party for Jonathan was already in full swing. The lights were dim, the music was blaring, and Billie was holding court at the bar, downing Limoncello shots and babbling away to anyone who would listen.

“And then,” Billie gushed, running her long, pink nails down the hairy forearm of the young man in the open shirt standing next to her, “that snooty bitch calls up and orders three cupcakes and wants to know why we don’t deliver to the Upper West Side. Like we’re some kind of frickin’ cupcake truck instead of the Magnolia Freaking Bakery in the West Village.”

“Hey, Billie!” Liz said. “How’s it hanging?”

“A little to the left, baby. You know that,” Billie smirked as the young man quickly excused himself and disappeared into the crowd. “There you go – another man who can’t handle a powerful woman.”

“I didn’t come here to discuss your sex-change operation, Billie,” Liz said. “Where’s Jonathan? We need to make sure he’s having a good time.”

“Yes, Ma’m,” Billie said with a mock salute. “I think he’s over there talking to your sister.”

Liz peered through the crush of partiers and saw that – sure enough – Lydia and her best friend, Teri, were chatting it up with George and Jonathan in a corner booth. Teri, a trainer at Clay, the upscale gym where Lydia used to work before Equinox lured her away, had buns of steel and aspirations of turning her web series, Random Hookups, into a reality show. A former female body builder, Teri had a reputation as a sexual Olympian, the kind of girl who would do whatever it took to win, even if it meant blowing the judges in the bathroom.

As Liz got closer, she noticed a bottle of Grey Goose on the table. Perfect, she thought. Finally, Lydia is doing something to earn her keep around here. But, as she got closer, Liz noticed something disturbing. George wasn’t drinking. In fact, he was stone, cold sober.

“Oh, come on, George,” Jonathan said. “Just have one drink. Don’t be such a buzz kill.”

“You know I’m training for the half-marathon in San Francisco next month,” George reminded him. “Even one drink could derail my preparation.”

“I totally sympathize,” Teri said. “When I used to compete in the Ms. International contests, I had to stick to a diet of chicken and broccoli for a month just to keep my weight down. Sometimes I even had to do a Master Cleanse.”

“I don’t believe in fad diets,” George sniffed. “For me, it’s all about clean living. Three meals a day, eight hours of sleep a night and a five-mile run up and down the West Side Highway every morning.”

“Sounds healthy,” Lydia said, reaching across the table to rest her bright blue nails on his arm, “but what do you do for fun?”

Jonathan burst out laughing. “This guy doesn’t know the meaning of the word,” he told the girls. “Back when we were in business school, George was always in his room studying while we were out getting trashed. That’s why he got the GPA, and I got the girls.”

“Be fair, Jonathan,” George said. “You’re making me sound like some kind of hermit. I dated my share of women at Columbia.”

“Yeah, like who? Mindy Horowitz, the Jewish volleyball player from Greenwich who turned out to be a lesbian?” Jonathan said. “Or the sophomore who stood you up that Saturday night because she had to help one of her sorority sisters move out of her dorm?”

Teri shot a glance at Lydia. “He likes lesbians. Cool!”

George started to get angry. “Just because I’m an old-fashioned guy who respects women does not mean that I’m some kind of pussy,” he said to Jonathan. “And, for your information, Ms. I Don’t Even Remember What Your Name Is, I’m not into lesbians. In fact, I’m not even looking for a woman at all at this point in my life. I’m only here because Jonathan dragged me along.”

“Did somebody say drag?” Billie said, squeezing into the booth next to George.

George practically jumped out of skin. There he was, trapped between a gay drag queen and a bisexual body builder. “I think I’ve got to go,” George said lamely.

“You’re not going anywhere, baby, until you start having some fun,” Billie said. “Here, have a drink.” Billie poured him a glass of Grey Goose and started unbuttoning George’s shirt as George sat there motionless, unable to escape. “This will put some hair on your chest.”

Liz, unable to control herself any longer, stepped through the crowd and grabbed Billie’s arm.

“What the hell are you doing?” Liz said in a loud whisper. “You’re about to ruin everything.”

“Lighten up, Lizzy,” Billie said, putting his large arm around George’s shoulder. “I’m just trying to show George a good time.”

“Now, George,” Billie said, running his fingers through George’s hair. “When was the last time you got laid? Because, even though Liz thinks you’re a world-class asshole, I think you’re pretty hot.”

With that, Jonathan burst out laughing. “This is the best party I’ve been to in a long, long time.” Then he turned to the waiter and said, “We’ll have another round of drinks. On me.”