Breaking Away and Being Prepared

Chapter 2

Meanwhile in California, I was really missing friends and family there. But as long as my mother was happy, I was too. My mother has done so...much for me. She had me born when she was only in her 20's. She was very young and had not much education on how to take care of a baby. While she was taking care of me, she also went through the struggle of having to cope with a broken heart when my daddy divorced her. He kept me over his house sometimes a lot when I was little so I could hang with him and see my brothers. My little sister was later then born when I was 6..I was jealous of her and even came to a point to hate her a few times...I have no other idea why I felt that way for her but I regret it..a lot. But to go back to the topic I was on, my mother was coping with a broken heart while she took care of me alone. I remember used to seeing her on the phone talking to my grandmother crying hard so she could cheer up. I would feel bad for her especially because I was absolutely useless to completely heal her sadness away to the point she can't even remember why she was sad in the first place. It broke my heart to see her cry when I was a baby toddler. She had so much stress on her mind, but all she ever wanted was just for me to be happy. Sometimes when she took me out marvelous places, like Disney World, I wouldn't smile at times because I was too focused on the wonders around me or I didnt like to take pictures 😐. I wish I never did that... if only I completely knew at good comprehension thats what she ever wanted for me, I would've always smiled. She's worked so hard all her life. I appreciate her so much and feel there is not a thing I could ever do to fully repay her. My mother was later getting sick over the years in California when I had turned 12. We had gotten 2 new Yorkshire Terriers too named Prince and Duchess. So her nerves were messed up. That made me worried. The prescription medicines given to her only seemed to have made matters worst. She started acting strange one night. She had went to the kitchen to get something to eat then started talking to things that weren't even there. She was having a hallucination. Dont worry..she wasn't seeing any ghosts or spirits or any kind of situation like that. She was only hallucinating like she was actually at work. Then she called Prince, our dog, Toto from The Wizard of Oz. I was really mad the prescription medicine made her do that. Then she finally stopped and never did it again. In the fifth grade I met an Italian girl named Anna. So I went to her house to go away from all my troubles sometimes so I could relax. My smile also started to fade away when I was in the 5th grade, 11 about to turn 12. I was sad because I was lonely. It was hard to make friends to me because I have no idea how to make good conversations. I was too shy. I was also starting to get upset/angry at God because I thought he wanted me sad for no reason. And I hated being sad when I used to be so happy and positive. In the 6th grade, I started to have a new troubling, hard, and painful feeling. I went depressed because I was lonely. I went through the five stages of grief for the whole year of 2013.. the very worst year of my existing life. First denial, where I found my life meaningless. Then anger, angry thinking that God wanted me to be in pain every night crying inside. Then depression, where I felt my sadness would never end. I even wanted to die and thought of near suicide at a young age. I would watch a movie called All Dogs Go to Heaven and saw how happy heaven was and it made me want to die more. Then I bargained God to let me die and go to heaven. Then I came to acceptance. All of the stages came for a very..long..time then went. During the stages of grief I was in deep spiritual trouble. I was making an open door for the devil. During those stages of grief I started to first not read the bible anymore. Then I started to lose faith in God believing he wasn't there. My mother and I couldn't find a good church close by nor near us to go to. So we were absent from church for a long time. Then I came to a retched point of not believing in God anymore. And I could've done something about all of this. I cried a lot that I stopped believing in the lord God. I cried to my grandmother about it too. One day, my grandmother came to our house in San Diego to visit. I felt a little better and safer when she came by. My mother and I had a great time together with her and had lots of fun. Until one day they got into an argument one day and my grandmother was going to leave early. So she slept in my room with me for one last night. Then the great scare began.