untitled // phan

elysian

elysian // chapter eight

Breathe in... and out.

Dan had actually managed to calm down a little in the past ten minutes but he was still far from being fine.

He was still sat on the floor. He knew he should get up but couldn't get himself to actually do so, so he just hoped that no one would come in.

He let another two minutes pass before he got up and washed his face. Phil had probably left by now. Dan couldn't blame him.

The brunet took another deep breath. He wanted to go home. Maybe Margaret would understand.

His hand was still shaking a little bit when he grabbed the doorknob to get out of the bathroom. He took another deep breath.

He had been wrong; when he looked at the table he had sat at just a few minutes ago, Phil was still sitting there, sipping on his coffee. Dan cringed a bit when he realised that now, he would have to explain his absence. He sighed. He couldn't do this.

"Are you okay?" Phil asked, and Dan frowned a bit when he recognised genuine concern in the man's eyes. "You're still a little pale."

"Uh, yeah," he lied and sat back down. He tried to think of an excuse so he could leave.

"You sure?"

Dan nodded. "Yeah. Just... felt a bit dizzy, that's all. It's nothing, really."

"Oh."

Dan knew that Phil didn't believe him.

"Yeah, I'm... I'm fine now, don't worry."

Phil frowned when he looked at Dan and took another sip of his coffee.

"Do you..." He paused to look at Dan. Phil seemed to consider his next words certainly. "Do you want to come to mine for a bit? I can make some hot chocolate, if you like, and we can talk about it. I'm sure Margaret doesn't mind."

Dan didn't even question the fact Phil knew Margaret's name. He couldn't help but feel a little invaded, though he knew that was incredibly stupid. But that was just how he worked.

"No, thank you, but I... I gotta get back to work, I think." Though he said that, he didn't make a move to actually get up from the chair he was sitting on. When Phil noticed that, he sighed.

"Alright," he mumbled. "Just one more thing."

Dan looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Are you into stuff like painting or drawing? Like, at all? I mean, you seem creative. With the writing and everything."

"I'm not really talented when it comes to that. Why are you asking?"

"Just thought you'd be into art, I don't know. I was wondering if you would consider going to an art gallery a date."

Was Phil asking him out? Why would he do that? He knew exactly that Dan wasn't into dating or... that whole 'love' thing in general. He couldn't do it. He knew he was too broken for that. "I mean, I guess it can be," Dan mumbled. "But I'm... I'm sorry, I really need to go now." Dan's eyes stung and he knew he was close to crying. Jesus Christ, who would have a reaction like this to the simple task of socialising? What was wrong with him?

"Oh, alright."

Shit. Dan was sure he hurt Phil by being so repellent.

"Yeah, uh, sorry." He got up. "You, um, should text me some time. About the art gallery, I mean."

Phil's face brightened up again and Dan couldn't help but feel relieved. "Alright. I'll make sure to."

Dan smiled again and nodded. "Thanks for the coffee." He turned on his heels and walked out of the café with quick steps before Phil could say anything.

The brunet decided to text Margaret. He needed to be alone now; he couldn't just go back to work and pretend nothing happened.

Dan didn't wait for a reply, he just walked down the streets with a tightening feeling in his chest and let the tears flow down his cheeks as he continued walking.

He hated himself, mainly because he didn't feel like a functional human being. Yeah, sure, maybe he actually wasn't. But why did all of this have to be so hard for him?

His neck hurt, and he knew why, but he didn't really acknowledge it. He'd gotten used to it.

The same thoughts of not being functional, being worthless and annoying and stupid kept circling in his mind until he finally reached his flat and could let himself fall onto his bed.

What if Margaret was the same? What if she only helped him because she felt sorry for him?

Maybe he should write about it. Would that make it better or worse?

He stared at the familiar patterns of the ceiling, following one of the cracks with his eyes. And after his eyes couldn't cry anymore, the fell close, and Dan fell back into the state of feeling nothing until he eventually fell asleep.

❞

elysian (adj)

something beautiful or creative;
divinely inspiring

❞

a/n

idk i feel kinda weird about writing this now that the real dan talked about his own experience with depression. i mean i am aware this is fictional and not even really based on the real dan (i mean kinda but like,,, not really as it's an au lol) but now i feel like this is kinda... offensive??? idk