untitled // phan

explanation

sorry if you thought this was a new chapter

but
well
it isn't

but please just read this because it's very very important

/i'm actually so nervous about posting this omg how did i manage to click that publish-button @ my future self/

first, i want to explain why i am writing this story. please bear with me here.

i honestly feel quite hypocritical writing this. i actually don't really like reading fanfiction dealing with depression and/or anxiety because i feel like they romanticise mental illnesses in a way that just isn't right (in my opinion). of course that doesn't apply to all of them!

but like i said, i just don't think depression is something that should be so easily romanticised.

yet here i am, kinda doing exactly that??

i'm not gonna try to excuse myself here, but i'm gonna try to explain why i decided to write this even though i kind of despise the whole concept.

i write as a coping mechanism. in general. not just this fic in particular, but pretty much every single piece of fiction that i'm writing serves that purpose.

when i put my feelings into words, it feels like i named them and put them into order, and sometimes that helps to make them feel less scary.

i don't like writing down my feelings just like that, though, because then they're suddenly my problems again. i said this before in another fic (i think it was showbiz or fashion blogger i honestly don't know), but letting 'others' aka fictional characters deal with it kind of distances the whole thing from myself and it's easier for me to think of my problems in a more rational way because they don't feel like my own. i can look for a solution.

that might sound stupid, i don't know.

i saw a post on tumblr today; whoever wrote it said they are convinced that whenever dan (the real dan) went through a depressive episode, phil would just crawl into bed with him the whole day and tell him that he loves him. and then in the evening, dan would feel good again.

sigh.

though i understand that the idea might be cute, that just isn't what depression is like. this post was romanticising an illness in a way that just,,, made me rant at my friends for way too long.

that is exactly what i'm not trying to do. depression fucking sucks and i am not trying to use it to achieve some grunge aesthetic for this story or whatever.

but the more i thought about it, the more i realised that this story slowly turns into one of those stories in which phil will eventually be the one curing dan's depression. but that's just not how it works and that's definitely not what i wanted to write, because that's merely unrealistic.

i understand that this kind of story might also be helpful for some people dealing with depression, and i mean, that's the whole reason i'm writing this. don't get me wrong here.

i'm not saying depression can't be cured at all. what i'm saying is that i think being 'cured' after two weeks of making out with someone is rather unrealistic.

long story short, i want to take some time to overthink this story. i'm not gonna rewrite the chapters i've already written, but i want to think about the chapters that i haven't published yet.

only i could manage to romanticise my own depression lmao

of course this is a love story, jfc, just read the prologue. i'm not denying that. and though depression and anxiety make an initial part of the storyline, i don't want anyone to think that i'm writing this for the aesthetic. i'm not. it's more like a... therapy? in a way?

but i have to admit that dan in this story is more like an exaggerated version of myself. and... i feel like this is hypocritical again. because this isn't therapy anymore but storytelling, and i'm writing about some things i never experienced. and it makes me feel bad.

i really, really need to overthink all of this.

i hope you understand. i'm sorry if i disappointed anyone here, but i'd rather write a story that i can feel 'good' about afterwards than romanticise something that clearly shouldn't be romanticised. (fun idea for a drinking game: take a shot every time i use any variation of the word 'romanticise' in this rant)

thanks for reading this little rant, i really appreciate it. i hope you're having a good day, and please take care of yourself.

- liz