Raw Desire

The Loss

 "Do you have a picture of her?"

This was an extremely intimate request. What she was asking from him, was not a regular request that you make. She was talking about the reason behind his existence, after whom, he no longer felt that there was any need for him in this world. He had every right to refuse, to scream at her, use her body and leave it there like trash. 

Amairah was aware of all of this, and yet, lord knows where her voice came from. There is supposed to be a filter between the brain and the tongue, that decides what among the things that the brain is thinking should be voiced out by the tongue. Amiarah, however, seemed to loose herself so densely in Ruben's account, that this filter appears to have disappeared. The moment she thinks something, it is out of her mouth.

Ruben, on the other hand, wasn't surprised. Her interest had not gone unnoticed by him.

"Of course I do. Here"

He pulled out his wallet, opened it and Amairah saw a picture of a pregnant Ruth, bursting with joy.

"Beautiful, isn't she?"

Amairah smiled, "Yeah."

"This is the only picture that I have left of her. A few weeks after her death, my father had suddenly decided to take interest in his son's life, and told the servants to take away all those things that were related to Ruth in any manner.  He thought it would help me get over her. I was out of the country then, and it was purely my luck that I had taken this picture in my wallet with me before going. Then, when I came back and found all of her belongings missing, I lost complete control over myself. Aside from bringing out a very broken part of myself, I also made it clear to him that the time he chose to wake up and handle his son's scattered life was wrong. I had survived without him until then, and I would try my best to live through this too."

Ruben was lost in his own thoughts, forgetting Amairah's presence and talking to himself, while Amairah was lost in her own world, where she was alone with a broken voice narrating the tale of a broken man.

"What had happened after she said yes?" Amairah spoke to the voice, no longer surprised that she was voicing out her thoughts untamed. Ruben looked up at her, suddenly remembering her presence. She was smiling slightly, looking down at a pregnant Ruth in her eighth month.

"I asked her to move in with me. We decided to marry as soon as she would regain health after our child's birth. I had planned a grand, fairy tale wedding for us, with anything and everything that she would ever have dreamt of. I handled business from our home, never leaving her side. Her mood swings were extreme, but we had been forewarned. We loved each other and we stuck to each other. Infact, the more we were pulled apart, the closer we got."

Amairah now looked up at him. He was just a lost soul without Ruth. She was suddenly jealous of Ruth. This beautiful woman, who had everything that Amairah had ever wished for. A successful woman, with a man who looked like he would jump in front of a bullet if she asked him to. A man who would go to any extremes to get her back, even after her death.

Suddenly, his expression became even more pained, if that was even possible,"We had run out of beer that day. There were no servants who I could send, and she kept on insisting that I should go. it was just beer, I wouldn't have died without it. But she kept insisting, and I had given up due to her tears. I swear to lord, I had never seen a human being cry as much as she did during her pregnancy. But I hated it when those tears came into her eyes. So I went.

It was her eighth month, I had been making sure that she took all her medicines religiously, there were no complications, the baby was healthy, and the doctor had said that there were no chances of anything going wrong.

And yet, when I came back, she was screaming, lying on her belly on the ground mext to our bed. Her water bag had broken too. I took her to the hospital as soon as I could. But I was too late. The doctor said that we could have saved the baby had I been a minute early.

Ruth was no longer the person I knew. She stopped talking altogether. It was a severe case of depression. The doctors made it clear that it was important to never leave her alone. We attended therapy too. I made sure she took her medicines. It became my life mission to bring her back to who she used to be.

We decided to marry on the same day that had been fixed, so I could bring back the old Ruth who was always bursting with joy. We could have another child, but I could never afford to loose her. I told her this. I told her she could have as many children as she wanted. There was nothing that could compensate for our loss, but we could at least try.

On the day we had decided to get married, everything had been set. The church was decorated just the way it had originally been planned, the guests had arrived, and the bride came down the isle. But just before saying ' I do' , she fainted. It soon became clear that she had not just fainted, she had taken an over dose of the medicines she took for her depression and they were enough to kill her."

He sighed, "My wife died on the day of my wedding."

At this point, Ruben glanced towards Amairah, afraid of the sympathy that he was sure would be there in her eyes. He was unaware of the tears that were brimming in his own eyes, but he clearly saw the ones in her eyes. However, her eyes held no sympathy. Only tears, just like the ones in his eyes. And pain, that screamed that she was struggling to hold back.

She reached out for his hand and held it, and they both cried silently. Neither Amirah nor Ruben knew who was comforting who, for they were both aware of each other's tears, but were unaware of the sorrow that leaked from their own eyes.