The Number Habit

F i v e

Class ends and no-one ever notices that I don't go there. I see people running to the cafeteria but the putrid smell makes me inwardly gag. There are already younger pupils eating outside in swarms; shovelling pasta into their mouths unconcerned of the consequences. I can't help but feel disgusted by the chomping jaws but I walk slowly away with a fascinated curiosity.

There is a satisfaction that comes with saying 'no' to things that make you a better person. The sense of being able to make decisions is so relieving; people eat because it is habit, repeating the action at set times and calling it 'breakfast', 'lunch' and 'dinner. They do it because that is what they have been doing all their lives, they just eat it because it is out in front of them. When you think about it, why bother with the trivial matter? It is just a waste of time and money.

I walked to the library and drank two thirds of the icy water in my bottle which quelled the acid. To prevent my mind from eating for the sake of it, I had learnt that chewing gum (sugar free spear mint) emulated the sensation of being full; after all, most of eating and being hungry was not the body but the emotional want.

After fulfilling that meaningless desire, I began scrolling through pictures of beautiful, slender, 'piano' hands. I did personally play said instrument and I genuinely enjoyed the sound and manipulation of the notes under my touch. Something I did want to practice was the visual performance, you could not play well and execute a piece without long fingers; fat and short digits like mine were simply pitiful. My teacher had once told me that the largest pianist handspan stretched one octave and five white notes but I could barely reach an octave plus three white keys.

Feeling my fingers and their fatty form was shameful but what was worse was my wrists.

Rolling my sleeve up, I rummaged in my bag for the measuring tape I took from my mother's sewing kit; she had bought a new one since but I could not bring myself to admit why I had done so. Assuming it had gone missing, the time we went shopping was also the day I bought my own scale rather than having to wait till the times I went to the doctor for my circulatory issues.

Measurements
Handspan: 20.5 cm
Wrist: 14 cm
Mid-arm: 17 cm
Under elbow: 21 cm

The latter two measurements were significantly larger than my previous results from when I weighed 49.7 kg. There was a time when I that better weight, yet was also when people began leaving me in favour of the newer students the year prior to this one.

When I moved to the new school, I prepared myself by dieting and competing rigorous cardio regimes on consecutive days during the holidays to attempt to have an appearance that fit in. I was determined not to be called whale like it had been for the years prior to that. To be fair, the boys who called me that were right, I was an obese Asian kid with wire-rimmed glasses and a flat nose dug deep into books, very unsurprising that I was subject to their advice. It was when I was eleven what I really began to heed to that, learning all sorts of methods and useful information on the internet.

I was sick of being the fat boy in the changing room, next to the naturally skinny boys I looked like a cow with a short, unfashionable haircut.

Which lead me into an on and off relationship with food, there was a compulsion to remove it, whether is be by avoiding it, cleaning it away or resorting to eat it; I simply could not stand it just being there which probably led to why I was such a pig when I was younger. Over time and when I finally upgraded to the larger school, I had a longer hair style but still a grotesque body.