Growing Pains

Chapter 35

"So, Elias, what was Robin talking about earlier?" Sam asks idly, although there's a lingering curiosity in his voice. I grimace, my wish that this topic wouldn't come up was clearly not granted.

"What do you mean?" I ask, playing dumb but of course, he sees right through me.

"About you being sad and the phone call?" He murmurs, leaning against my door frame.

"It was really nothing, I just needed to vent to someone about it all." I explain but his face contorts.

"Why didn't you talk to me?" He asks and I laugh although it dies in my throat as I spot his expression.

"Come on, Sam. You know why. I wasn't going to risk our entire friendship over what might have been a crush. I just needed time to sort out my head." I say but his frown deepens.

"Feelings don't come from your head, Eli." He retorts.

"Yes, they do, they're essentially the result of neurochemicals in the brain." I state. Sam sighs, raking a hand through his hair.

"Look, we approach things like this differently. You're a very emotional, go-with-your-heart guy, I'm more logical, I have to think about stuff like this." I admit, rubbing my neck in embarrassment. Trust me, I don't want to be that guy, it's just who I am.

"Sometimes you have to go with your heart." He argues, looking almost offended. I hadn't meant it like that.

"I should have spoken to you about it, I know that now." I say, pleading with him but he shakes his head.

"What else are you keeping from me? First it was the pain, now it's what you're feeling. I need you to be emotionally available Eli and you never are. All of this stuff was stuff you should have told me because it includes me too!" He spits, getting more upset by the minute and he has a point. Everything I've ever done, I've done for him but maybe I didn't always make the right decision.

"I'm not keeping anything else from you! Don't you trust me?!" I ask, not really thinking that his answer will anything other than 'of course' but I don't hear anything. He just watches me with glassy eyes.

His silence is more revealing than words could ever be. I exhale shakily, slumping against my chair in defeat. My best friend doesn't trust me. His eyes lower slowly and he messily drags the back of his hand across his cheek as he turns to go. I don't stop him, knowing that space is what's needed right now, even though it's killing me to see him cry.

Sam cries all the time, but never because of me. It's a terrible feeling, knowing that he doesn't trust me, knowing that I've made him cry.

I take a deep breath and rest my head in my hands.

It's not the end of the world and certainly not the end of us. I'll just have to earn his trust again, the good old-fashioned way. I'll be entirely, utterly honest with him, I'll tell him more about me, about what I'm thinking and feeling and maybe he'll eventually be able to trust me again. Everything will be fine.

I just wish it didn't feel so terrible right now.

_

I go downstairs, sitting down in front of the piano and let my fingers wander aimlessly. Emotions are sometimes our greatest inspiration, the greatest artists sometimes producing their finest creations whilst in the darkest part of their lives.

My fingers find the saddest chords and my mind intertwines them in various ways until I find the one that feels right. I make notes as I work, writing down my progress as I go. It's a slow process and I get my own work wrong more than once, but eventually I'm playing fluidly.