Brothers at War [#Wattys2017]

twelve

"Good morning." The woman behind the desk was too cheery for this time of the morning, and she was definitely too cheery for the foul mood I was in. "Where are you flying to?"

I wanted to give her a sarcastic response, tell her that all she needed to do was look at the ticket I had in my hand, but I refrained from doing so. It wasn't her fault that I was here at this time of the morning and neither was it her fault that I was running away.

"London," I sighed. There was a part of me which wondered whether I was doing the right thing for me, for Callie, or whether I was being a coward by running away. It was wrong that I had told him I loved him, and here I was preparing for my flight back to my reality: the world where I worked to give my daughter the world and the world where I had no time for anyone besides my daughter.

I might have loved Markus, but I couldn't be with someone who was only going to break my heart three months down the line. I needed someone who was always going to love me and wasn't going to leave the moment things got difficult between the two of us.

I needed someone who was always going to be a constant in Callie's life and someone who would be the father figure I knew my daughter was desperately seeking. I needed someone who was prepared for the hardships which came with both my baggage and raising a child who wasn't their own.

I needed someone who wasn't Markus Barnes.

"Madame?" The blonde behind the counter brought me back to reality.

"Sorry. What?"

"May I have your passports, please?"

"Sure." I pulled both from my handbag, my attention turning to my daughter for a moment, watching as she spoke quietly to herself while creating a scenario with her Barbie in hand. I would give anything to be as innocent as my little girl, and I would give anything to be her age again, where the biggest worry was whether Barbie was going to marry Ken or not. "Is there a problem?"

I knew that the photograph on my passport looked nothing like I did now and that I needed to renew the passport to update the image, but I hadn't gotten around to doing it. When I had Callie, there was never a need for me to have the passport, because it's not like I needed the ID when I was always at home with my daughter rather than partying with my friends.

"No, Ma'am. Are you checking in any bags?" She almost managed to smile. But there was no fooling me, not when I had spent my time before Callie was born perfecting my fake smile.

"Yes. These two please."

"Place them on the scales." She pointed to the scales beside her desk, and I knew that, once this was all done, I would be able to return to my life back in London. The life where there were no complications, other than trying to make ends meet so that Callie could have the life she deserved more than anything.

I could return to the life where I was envious of Evva for having everything I wanted. I could return to the life where the only person who mattered to me was Callie. I could return to the life where Markus was nothing more than a what if.

"Will you be taking a carry-on with you?" The woman didn't even bother to look up from whatever it was that she was doing when she asked me that question. But I didn't blame her. I wouldn't want to be here at almost two in the morning either.

"Only my handbag and my daughter's travel bag."

"And did you pack the bags yourself?"

"I help mummy, I did." Callie was so proud that she had helped me pack our suitcases and she gave the woman behind the counter an innocent smile. "Mummy fold and I put away. Mummy tell me she proud."

I knew the look on the woman's face, it was a look I had seen so many times before, and it was the look of disgust as she looked from Callie to me and back to Callie. I had to pick my daughter up and hold her on my hip, just because I didn't want her to see the look this stranger was giving her.

I might have been young when I had Callie, but she was still my little girl. If anyone had a problem with her, they had a problem with me, and that included a stranger who had never met either of us. If she was going to judge, then she could do it where my daughter wouldn't be able to catch her gaze.

"Mummy was very proud, sweetie." I kissed the top of her head and pulled her closer to my body, never wanting to let her go and never wanting her to grow up. "I am assuming that, as on the journey over here, there is no need for me to pick my luggage up at the stopover?"

"No, Miss Peterson. Your luggage will go straight to London." She handed me back the passports and some pieces of paper. "Here are your boarding passes. Your flight leaves from gate 7B and it will begin boarding at two forty-five. Your seat numbers are 5B and 5C."

I didn't even bother with the gratitude for the woman who had checked me in, especially not when I could still see the looks she was giving my daughter. I simply walked away from the desk and took a seat in the middle of the airport, checking the time to see that I still had just over an hour before I could board my flight.

There was another hour before I was out of this place and on the way back to the life which I had lived happily for the past three years since Callie was born. I knew that when Callie and I arrived back out our apartment, the first thing we would be doing was sleeping for as long as humanly possible.

I would have to phone Evva and tell her about the nightmare two weeks I've had once I'd landed back in the UK. She would, somehow, know if I chose not to phone her and to, instead, opt for the sleep. Evva would know because nothing got past her.

She would demand to know everything. From whether I slept with Markus to whether I got Matthew back, as I told her I was going to do so many times. Though, truthfully, I had been drunk when I announced to her that I was going to get Matthew back and I regretted what I had said the following morning.

While Callie was in her fantasy world, I found myself glancing around at all the people who surrounded me and, no matter where I looked, all I could see were people who were happy with each other.

Couples holding hands and laughing at each other's little comments. They were smiling when one of them told the other that they loved them.

There were families joking around and being idiots together. Even the children were laughing at the idiocy of their parents as they clearly did their best to keep the young ones entertained before they could board their flight.

There was even a married couple who were sitting with each other, hand in hand, her head leaning on his shoulder. He was whispering things which made her smile and he kept kissing the top of her head, showing her nothing but the affection she deserved.

It was a reminder that everyone but me could be happy. They knew how not to fuck it up for themselves. They knew how to love and how to trust someone enough to let them have their heart. I didn't know how to do any of those things, because I was the woman who wrote a letter to the man she loved, telling him that she loved him, and then walked away from him without even telling him to his face that I was going.

I sighed to myself as I turned my attention back to my phone, scrolling through the images I had saved on there. Some of them did nothing other than make me smile, pictures of Callie and I together always had the power to do that to me, but there was one which made my heart stop when I came across it.

It was of Markus and I together in his bed. He was laying there, topless, his hand resting on my back with one of the most genuine smiles he had ever given me while I slept on top of him. I didn't even know that he had taken it and I was about to delete it, not wanting to be reminded of what could have been, when a voice in my ear left me paralysed and had me questioning every decision I had made this evening.

"I am hurt that you would want to do such a thing."

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