Brothers at War [#Wattys2017]

bonus chapter i

I stared at the test in front of me and I could feel the panic surging through me. I had taken the exact same test not even ten months ago, and here I was staring at the very same result once again.

The first thought was that I'd never be able to cope. I could barely look after the seven-week-old I had now, and it didn't help that Markus was having to work overtime just so we could afford the latest addition to our family. I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes as I wondered how I was going to tell Markus that I was, once again, pregnant.

Callie was in one of her most important years of school, so there was no way I could ask her for help.

She already did more than she had to for Sarah and she had been the model older sister. She loved her baby sister and there wasn't much she wouldn't do for her, whether it was changing her nappy or getting up in the middle of the night to get her back to sleep.

She should have been out with her friends, drinking underage and having a good time. Going to parties and then telling me she was staying at her friend's place, when she was more than likely getting smashed in a field somewhere. Instead, she would spend her time with her father and I, and she would watch over her sister like a hawk.

"What am I going to do?" I whispered to myself.

"Mum?" I heard Callie's voice from the other side of the bathroom door, and I hadn't even realised that was the time, otherwise I would have made myself more presentable before now.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I think Sarah is hungry. I heard her crying when I came in and I've tried to quieten her, but she just keeps crying." I suddenly felt like an awful mother because I hadn't even heard my own daughter crying. I had been so wrapped in myself that I had forgotten about the child who needed her mother because she was incapable of fending for herself, and I knew that I would never be able to cope with another baby. "Mum?"

"Just, uh, just give me a minute." I wiped the tears from my cheeks and splashed some water on my face, hoping that it would conceal the meltdown I had just finished having.

"Do you want me to call dad? You know he would be here in a heartbeat to help you out."

I knew that Callie was right. He had been my rock after Sarah was born because, even though I had done it alone with Callie, I was terrified that something was going to go wrong with Sarah, and when Markus went back to work, I refused to even pick my daughter up.

Callie had phoned Markus straight away when she came home from school and just found me staring at my screaming daughter, not even making the effort to sooth her and be the mother I should have been. I had just hoped she would eventually stop and I prayed that she would be quiet, but she just kept going and I was too petrified to do anything.

Markus had left work immediately, telling his boss that it was a family emergency, and he had been here not half hour after Callie had discovered me. He had given Sarah a bottle and she had fallen back to sleep in his arms. He proceeded to put our daughter back in her cot before he embraced me and I broke down in his hold, apologising for my inability to be a mother.

"I've done this before. I did it all with you, Cal. So why can't I do it with Sarah?" I couldn't open the door and face my daughters. I didn't want Callie to be disappointed with me and I didn't want Sarah to know that I was completely clueless when it came to her needs, and that her father knew her better than I did. "Why am I so afraid to so much as touch my own child, when I have already been through this?"

"Mum, I talked to someone—"

"Why? Am I that bad?" I panicked and pulled the bathroom door open. Callie was stood against the wall opposite with a whimpering Sarah in her arms, but even with my daughter's cheeks stained with tears, I still couldn't bring myself to breast feed her let alone give her a cuddle.

"No. But when I told them about your behaviour, they told me that you could be exhibiting signs of postpartum depression, and I have to agree with that based on the research I've done myself," Callie sighed, her eyes to the ground as though she had done something wrong. "You can't bond with Sarah. You don't believe that you can take adequate care of her. You've been more frustrated than normal and I know you feel guilty that you can't take care of your own daughter. You're constantly exhausted, even when you've done nothing, and you have a fear of Sarah."

"Callie—"

"I've already spoken to dad and he is arranging to have more time of work. We both want to be here for you, and we want to help you, but you have to want to help yourself."

I didn't even care that I was supposed to be the mother, the one who was strong for her children, I just broke down in front of my daughter and I let out everything I had been holding in since Sarah was born.

I was a terrible mother. I couldn't bond with Sarah, I couldn't even bring myself to hold her, so it wasn't surprising that I had a hard time forming a relationship with her. I hadn't even held her when she was born, I had looked at her, and I had told the nurse to give her to Markus.

There was a deep-set guilt within me. I had taken perfect care of Callie from the moment she was born and I had formed a strong bond with her, but there was something different with this pregnancy, and while I was excited to have a baby with Markus, I was also petrified of everything which came with it.

"I'm sorry, Cal. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry, so sorry," I sobbed as I fell against the wall and my head fell into my hands.

"There's nothing to forgive. I know you're a good mother and, with the right help, Sarah will know that too. I promise, we will get through this. All of us, together."

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