The Monster In My Head PREVIEW

Day 3

I feel that we should get to know each other a little better, since I'm stuck doing this for now. I suppose I know hardly anything about you, so I'll guess you'll sort of remain anonymous, accept you, Mr. Houston, but that's alright. I would be that way too, if I could. Sometimes, being no one is the best thing, because you don't have to be anyone. I've always imagined getting on a plane to another country and re-inventing myself, being me, but a better, improved version of me. A person which would meet all of society's perfect illusions.

In a different world, I would still be Gina Taylor. I would still be me, but I would just edit some parts out. I would take away the bone crippling anxiety, the social awkwardness, the complete lack of confidence, and I would be happy. I don't want the blonde hair or the big boobs. I don't want to change my looks or how smart I am. I would just take away all the bad bits from myself. Remove all traces of my monster. I would be someone else, someone who I really wanted to be, a fault-free person; but that's a dream that's never going to happen, regardless of how much I want it to.

I was born into the world on one of worst days of the year, weather wise. It pelted with rain and thunder and the lighting echoed. My mum suffered through an awful labour, too. After twenty-three hours, I made my way kicking and screaming into the world, a nine-pound, blonde haired, blue-eyed baby. I was born at 4:13pm on 15th July. Originally, I was supposed to be called Harley Elizabeth Taylor. But apparently, I looked nothing like a Harley at all. So, I became the second choice name, I became Gina Elizabeth Taylor. Gina Taylor. Such a normal name, with a strong meaning. It's simple, and one of the main reasons that I like it. I suppose Gina is hardly an unusual name, but you don't hear it often and I can't imagine not being Gina. It's just me.

It's not one of those names that sounds too out there because it's too unique, it's different, but it's not so different that you would be out of place in a normal school, because, let's face it, the kids with names such as 'Lettuce' and 'Princess' are going to hate school, because children are cruel. My brother's name is even more normal, it's David. I don't think you can get any more normal than that.

Oddly enough, they go together well. My brother was named after my Granpa who died years before I was born. There was never any question what my parent's son would be called, but a daughter, they had no idea. It doesn't really matter though. We were given those names because we mattered. Parents don't just name their children something random. I was Gina, and David was just David. We are just us, I guess.

What else can I tell you about me?

The thing is, I'm not a particularly interesting person at heart. I'm really boring, I would be one of those people who would have the most boring and uneventful autobiography ever. I don't really have hobbies and I really don't have friends, so I don't know what else to tell you.

I'm seventeen. My favorite subject is History and I want to study it when I go to University next year, if I get in. I've always wanted a pet chicken. I'm a bottle brunette, absolutely no shame there. Everyone is a little fake, right?

That should be enough for now. I'm running out of things to say at this point, I'm sort of avoiding talking about the elephant in the room, but I don't want to give away too much too soon, because this has to last. It has to be long enough to pass as an assignment or a project. These little random facts about me are my life, and I suppose I think that this is what this project is all about. It's some of the little things that'll make it interesting.

So, so far I've told you some random uninteresting facts about me, and the rules that help me control my monster.

I suppose I've not really addressed that very much. I'm coming across as a little vague. The truth is, I have a monster inside my head. It's vicious and invisible. It's evil and we fight all the time. That's what this is really about. Why I'm writing this, I mean.

The exact assignment description was to:

Write a descriptive piece of writing on your day-to-day life, including your experiences and advice for how to deal with this.

It's vague, but I feel like I'm on the right track and at least I actually have something to write about. I can tell you about my monster and how that affects me, and I can tell you things that I've never been able to tell anyone. I have so many secrets that I've hidden for so long, but by writing this, I hope I can tell some of them. I want to be honest about everything. I mean, I could lie and tell this fantastic story about how good my life is, but what's the point of that? Absolutely no one has that type of life. Yes, you can be happy and live a good life, but you'll have a problem somewhere, and regardless of how much you want to think your life is really perfect, the chances are it isn't.

This is a big step for me; you have to understand that. I'm usually a very private person about my personal experiences because, to be honest, most of them really suck. Some of them are just so bad I shudder to think of them, and the thought of putting those memories to paper makes me feel physically sick, not because I'm ashamed, just because it's so difficult. It feels like taboo writing down something that is this personal. I can't even talk about some of these things, but I'm going to try and write them down.

So, here goes: I have a monster, it's evil and vile and impacts every decision I make. I fight it a lot and he fights me, and a lot of the time he wins and it kills me a little bit more inside each time he does. I'm struggling to fight him. My monster has a name and it's called Anxiety. Bone-crippling, life-shattering anxiety and no, I'm not being dramatic. I have panic attacks, I dread talking to people, I over-think absolutely everything, and it's taking over every aspect of my life.

I can't believe I just wrote that.

I'm also pretty much scared of everything.

There. That's my confession. That's the elephant in the room.