Poetic Rhythm

Conscience

I used to think that I would be the greatest,

I would get married to the perfect man, who would

Buy me flowers and kiss me on the forehead,

Like on Father Knows Best.

I wanted that love from a young age. I ached for those kisses and

Dances in the kitchen with flour in my hair and

Dough on his cheek,

I would lick my finger and wipe it off

Like in the movies.

When I was eleven my mother and father almost divorced.

My mom came to the car crying and dropped me off at school.

She told me everything that happened

And my innocence fell from my eyes

Like clothes from the ladies in those videos that every man watches.

I was no longer a child. My innocence left me in the night

Like a lover who snuck out of his home to be with another woman.

My neighbor, a few years older than me, raped a girl that lived near me.

He was my brother, and that day he packed his stuff,

Like a Marine who deployed,

Except he fled the punishment for his actions.

He died a few years ago and I still ache.

Ever since I was eleven, I met a woman who

Treats me like a stain on the floor,

There, but a burden to the world.

She told me, "No one will ever love you."

And I believed her.

I thought that I would be happy and dating someone

By the time I was sixteen,

But she made sure that I would never see that.

She left notes that told me I was not

Worthy of love.

She made sure that everyone around me

Left me like I was the plague.

I met a boy who was unloved.

He saw me as a flower that has not

Bloomed for anyone, and I bloomed for him.

He was my first love.

I dated him for two years,

And she could not stand that I was happy,

So she whispered guilt in his ears,

And he passed that guilt to me.

She made him embarrassing,

He would humiliate me in front of my

Family and friends

And I never wanted to go anywhere with him.

I finally realized what was happening, and left.

She glued herself to me like a leech, whispering

Thoughts of self-harm and suicide in my ears.

I slit my wrists because of her.

Soon I found a pair of scissors,

And those scissors, after years of her attached

To me,

Scraped and cut the majority of her being off of me.

I still have remnants of her in me,

Like a tattoo one gets when drunk.

She tries to coax me into my old ways,

Of feeling like I do not have

Anything to live for.

But my new life

Barricades me from the

Grasp of her talons,

And her smile,

With razor blades for teeth.

She does not own me anymore,

Because I can control her.

She is my darkest thoughts,

The insecurities I hold onto.

I do not wish her to live,

But she lives because I am alive.

She holds no reign over my life,

And I am stronger because of it.