Black & White

Chapter Two

*TRIGGER WARNING*

We fought until 2 in the morning. I went to bed with hope that it was a fixable situation and everything would be fine in the morning when we talked it through. 

As I found out over the next few months, that wasn't the case.

I was woken up to my mom screaming at me to clean my room. It may not have been the best decision, but I talked back. I was not in the mood. She was livid with me. Apparently enough to call me a selfish bitch and leave.

I don't know how everything could have gone so wrong so fast. I was soon sitting on my bed bawling my eyes out with a pocket knife in hand.

I was familiar with self-harm. I had been starving myself on and off since the age of 12. I wa 14 at this point. Though, I never thought I would go as far as I did. I was so lost. I kept asking myself what was going on. I was laughing with my best friend and then all of a sudden there was blood running down my thigh. My life flashed before my eyes and I broke down.

I spent the rest of the day throwing myself a pity party in my closet. I wrapped up my thigh and stared at the bandages in disbelief. I was so disappointed in myself, but little did I know, this behavior would not stop.

A month of frantic efforts to mend the friendship with Clarissa went by before I started to give up. I texted her every day like usual to try to make things how they were before but it never worked.

After deciding it wasn't worth it I started to cut my thighs more. However, I didn't like the pocket knife so I decided to take apart one of my razors and use the blades from that. I only sliced up the top of my left thigh and only went down as far as my shorts would still cover. After I ran out of room I made my way up my arm. It was the end of the summer so I had to manage the heat in hoodies.

I kept the self harm from my parents for 4 months. My mom finally found out and she had no idea what to do. She cried in my arms for a while before calling in my dad. He didn't say much. He was in so much shock. I mean, it was his birthday after all. Happy birthday, dad!

I was immediately placed into therapy to try to work through everything going on in my brain. I was given a psychological evaluation and diagnosed with chronic depression. That was all they could come up with at the time.

Throughout the months I was in therapy, I still self harmed. No one except me knew. I would slice up my shoulders and hips. My therapist explained to me that the reason people self harm is because it releases endorphins to the brain. These are the same chemicals that are released during exercise. They make you happy.

I wasn't in therapy for several months in a row at first. I only had 2 sessions before I was pulled out.