Letters for Delyeah

Letter Four

People are still telling me I need to let go ... "People," I say, as if I associate with people on a regular basis. Arabella told me I needed to let go. We were in an argument, and I said some things I shouldn't have. And she told me I needed to get over you, but how can I? How can I let go of you? You were the only person who's ever cared about me. Nobody cares, everyone just labels me as the psycho boy ... Arabella tries to care, but I don't think she can, and I'm starting to believe that I'm just the little psycho again. When you were alive, I felt like someone finally understood me. Like I could finally be myself and not be judged ... but then you left and you ripped out my heart when you did.

I miss you so much, Delyeah.

They say time heals all wounds, but that is such a fucking lie. I've been dealing with this for, what? Over two years now? And in the two years you've been gone, time hasn't healed any of the wounds from when you left. I hope you're happier now. I hope you're looking down on me from heaven (if heaven even exists) watching over me. I really do miss you, you were the first and last person I ever loved. The only person I think I ever will love. I wish you were still here.

I wish you hadn't done what you did. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Everyday is a struggle; everyday I get closer and closer to giving up, I just want to see you again. Touch you again. Kiss you. I want to hold you in my arms and never let go. When I found out you were gone, it was like my whole world came crashing down around me. the little piece of heaven we had created together had shattered into millions of tiny fragments that I stood no chance of ever getting back.

Why did you do it Delyeah? I thought we made each other happy. I thought we could get through all the crap we had to deal with together. I thought you loved me. Why did you leave me behind? To deal with this cruel world on my own. To keep living when everything in me is telling me to give up. To follow you into the dark.

I don't think I can do this. There's no light at the end of the tunnel anymore, no happy ending. No true love. You were all I had and you left me, just like everyone else did. Just like I knew you would, deep down I expected it. Nobody stays because nobody cares enough to be there forever. All those dreams we had- all of those plans for how we'd live our lives- gone.

I wish you could just come back to me. I wish you would because my insomnia is worsening by the minute.

Remember when I couldn't sleep and you came over in the dead of night and just held me? Told me everything would be okay and that you were there for me until I fell asleep? Even though it was only for a few hours, it was better than nothing. I want that. I want you holding me again. I want your warmth to engulf me and smother my sadness. You said everything would be ok, but how? Everything is falling apart around me.

In the few hours sleep I get each week, I wake up hoping you'll be there, like this is all just some big fucked up dream that I'll have woken up from to see you there. You'll look as beautiful as ever, holding me close and telling me it was just a dream, that you're there, and it'll all be ok. Please, Delyeah, please come back for me. I need you. I can't do this. I can't face the world anymore; I can't face people. It hurts too much. I still go to bed every night crying, hoping I just won't wake up if it means you won't be there. That someone will take pity on me and let me be. Let me lay down to rest peacefully.

I'm about as pitiful as can be. I mean, look at me. I'm pleading to a dead girl.

Did it hurt?

When you killed yourself...?

Was it painful? Are you happy with your choice? Or do you regret it?

Are you in heaven?

Are you looking at me from up there?

What were you thinking about when you did it?

You know, sometimes I wonder why I bother with these letters. You can't read them. But then I think they're a kind of release for me. They help me write out everything and just let it go. It's better you don't read these; they'd just be embarrassing.

I just want you home. I miss you; I always will. I can never forget about you, never let out happy memories leave this earth, because now I'm the only person who remembers them. Maybe that's why I'm writing these ... to keep our memories safe.

I love and miss you.

-Luka