Letters for Delyeah

Letter Five

Delyeah,

Arabella came to see me again. I think it's becoming a daily thing.

Every morning, I get breakfast and pills and then she comes. She stays with me, and we talk right until it's time to have lunch and then again until dinner. I get pills with every meal.

She's really nice. I think you would have liked her, if you hadn't ... hadn't killed yourself.

It still hurts, even now, over two years on; it still hurts to admit that you left me.

Why did you do it? Was I not good enough for you? Did I not make you happy? I miss you so much. I know we both had issues, but we had each other. We were getting through it together. Sometimes I wish I could just give up- end it all and not feel this pain anymore. But then I remember you and how you always used to tell me to be strong, to keep fighting. You never warned me that fighting would be so damn hard.

You're so lucky. I wish you would have told me; maybe we could have even done it together. You and me, sleeping together forever. Then neither of us would have been alone. But I know I have to keep fighting. I'm trying to be strong for you, Delyeah. I love you. I always have, and I always will. I hope, if you were still here, you'd be proud of me.

I really am trying to please this idea of you I have, to live how you would have wanted me to. But I can't sleep. I'm so tired, De-De ... but I can't sleep, I wish you could hold me again and tell me stories, like you always used to. I can't do this on my own. I feel like a zombie, like a walking zombie.

For so long I was contemplating suicide, just ending it all, not having to feel like this any more. No more sleepless nights, no more pain. And then you came along. You came along and saved me Delyeah. And now, you're the one who has taken their life.

It's so hard to keep it together, but Arabella is really helping. I still miss you like crazy, and I can't sleep very well, if at all, but she's given me someone to talk to. Someone who knows how I'm feeling more than my parents or the doctors and nurses. She's been through a similar thing. It kind of feels like we're in this together, you know? Kind of like it did with you ... God, I miss you ...

Oh God, I wish you could come back! I know if anyone walks in, they'll think I'm crazy. I'm sitting here, writing letters to someone who's dead, and I'm crying my eyes out. I look like such a baby, but I can't help it. I need you around. You were the only person I've ever had in my life who fucking cared, and that was taken away from me.

Delyeah ...

I love you.

I always will.

-Luka