𝐈𝐥𝐥𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬; jjk + pjm✅[ONGOING]

10. Acceptance

"Maybe I'm just afraid
that I will wrap my hand around yours,

And there will
still be oceans,
there will still be miles."

Jungkook POV.

I was lost.

I couldn't take it anymore.
The realisation hit me like a truck.
I wasn't normal.

I was gay.

I kept repeating it in my mind.
All the time I was hoping that the words itself would stop making sense and so will the truth.

The uncertainty and pain was overwhelming.

What was I supposed to do?
Who do I go to?
What would a boy like me who had no one, do in this situation?

I had so many questions in my mind, I felt like my head was going to explode.

Was it a sin to be abnormal?

Abnormal sounded less harsh for I couldn't bring myself to say the word.

I was ashamed.
Is it a disability?
A disease?

What would people think of me?

But right now my own thoughts suffocated me more than what would others opinions be.

I liked boys.

Boys...?
But I am a boy...
This is so wrong.
Why couldn't I change?
I knew no better.

Gosh thinking all this was enough to take me on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I felt the world was closing on me from all sides.
I wanted to disappear from there.

My vision blurred just as I thought my existence would soon too.

Before I knew it, hot tears escaped from my red eyes.

I had no control over myself.
Hell I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.

The weather however was a perfect contrast to my feelings.
It was sunny here but it was a rainy day inside my head.

I started doing something I never thought I would.
I started hurting myself.

I scraped harshly at the wooden surface with rough edges at the side of the bench.

I gripped at it for support.
I needed something to hold onto.

Something .

Anything.

I felt, as if I would lose myself if I let go.

My fingers were bleeding.

Little dark spots fell one by one on the dusty ground.

I feel numb.
As if I could feel all my pain yet none at all.

I didn't know what I was doing, why I was doing....

But as long as the physical pain kept me distracted from the storm raging in my head, it felt good.

I made myself believe that I deserved it.
I was not normal right?

This can't go on forever I wish I could fade away like dust.

Unwanted...
There was no one actually there, who would be affected by my absence...

I used to have my so called friends who left me alone after finding out my little secret.

They were just there with me for the sake of bullying others. We enjoyed it together.