Heroes

Chapter 7

[...wake up and...]

In the end, I was not alone in my travels. As promised, when I reached out to Varric, I received a response and, within a week, the dwarf was at my side in the The Hanged Man of Kirkwall.

"I was on my way back to Kirkwall anyways," Varric explained with a wide smile. "Just finishing up some business with his Inquisitorialness... and Cassandra had to call on me one last time. To show that she cares."
"You are leaving a hero's life behind to come join me," I eye him carefully. "Things are not the easiest when you stand by me."
"When were they ever easy? Especially in Kirkwall." Varric snorted. "Andraste's ashes. When I came in on the boat, the stench brought back so many lovely memories... Speaking of memories... Where's Blondie? I thought he'd be hanging about here all doom and gloom."
"Well, that would be the problem I mentioned," I said, turning down another offer of ale and ordering tea.

Varric looked at me curiously but held his tongue.

"Blondie causing you trouble?" he asked, eyes narrowing.
"In his usual way," I said with an attempt at a nonchalant shrug. "He's disappeared."
"Disappeared?" Varric set down his mug a little loudly, quieted himself, and then leaned forward to hiss, "Grey Warden disappeared? Or just the usual Blondie alone time?"
"Hmmm... Probably more the second, but I'm worried. Since the Grey Wardens, since that one time in the Deep Roads... since... well, since he saw how the Mage Rebellion affected Fereldan..."
"He was in Ferelden recently?"
"Just a short visit."
"Shit."
"Yes." My large mug of tea arrives, and I sip from it experimentally.
"It's a bit of surprise," Varric admitted. "I never thought he'd..."
"Regret?" I finished Varric's unspoken words. "I don't know if it is regret. It is hard for him to realize that his passion for justice for one group of people may have brought about injustice for other groups of people... The world is full of hurt that no single spirit can heal. Perhaps it is that... or more of a realization of the full responsibility of what he carries. Of what we carry together. I am part of it as well."
"We all are. Merrill, Fenris, Aveline... we all knew," Varric said then. "We all knew that it wasn't the best choice... there was never any good choice. No matter what we chose, Ander's match lit Thedas. For better, or for worse. Even without his flame, the mages would have rebelled." A pause. He drank a bit more of his ale, before continuing. "Still... For the first time... Walking away from the Inquisition, I feel like things will turn out for the better."
"It is nice to hear a bit of untarnished optimism from you," I smiled at Varric.
"I've seen some crazy things, Hawke," Varric shook his head, ruefully, "but I've also seen heroic action and the stuff myths are made of. Maybe there's hope for us all. One day. If not for us, then for our children."
"Our children..." I echoed.
"How is Toddy?"
"Getting taller and older. Making me feel smaller... and older..." I smiled fondly then. "He is very like his father."
"Whom we need to find."
"Yes." My fond smile melted away.
"You look... quite angry," Varric's eyebrows rose. "I probably haven't seen you look this pissed since Kirkwall."
"I need to find him," I said, "to give him a piece of my mind."
"I bet."

A pause. We sat amidst the usual hubbub of The Hanged Man each considering the troublesome mage we called Blondie. I could almost feel Varric wondering if Anders was worth it. He is probably not thinking that... I told myself. That is all you. And the truth is, some days you aren't certain... yet you always seek out the answer to that age-old question and find yourself answering 'yes' time and time again.

"Where did you leave Toddy?" Varric's voice broke into my thoughts.
"Gran's. She'll care for him for at least a month."
"A month. I'm sure we can hunt down Blondie within the month." Varric rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I could start with my own contacts, but I think Lavellan would be fine with us using some of the Inquisition's... friends... as well."
"Do I want to know?"
"You don't," Varric chuckled, "but to help the Champion of Kirkwall... Well, Cassandra and Leliana would not mind you in their debt. I was thinking of another friend. Thom Rainier. He is of the Grey Wardens. If your runaway boytoy has gone to the Grey Wardens, they would tell us. My contacts with the thaigs will let me know if he is travelling about Fereldan. Leliana will let us know what is going on in Orlais... and I have someone will check the north roads for news. I highly doubt he is headed toward Rivaini or the Qunari. I recall Blondie never liked those of the Qun. Still... Iron Bull may know people... I am sure we can find him, Hawke."
"I am fine," I replied sharply, responding the spirit of his final words. "I know I'll find him. It will work out."
"If there is anyone in the world who can make the best of a bad situation, it is you, Hawke." Varric's eyes, however, remained sharp. "I am certain you will work it out... but you are drinking water, and unless you have decided to join the Chantry – impossible – or are abstaining from alcohol for the good of your soul – unlikely – I'd say Hawke and Anders have another little bun in the oven."
"That's one way of putting it." I sighed then. "It won't make things easier... but I will be fine, Varric."
"You let me know if you need anything," Varric said.
"I will." I promised him. "What I really need is to get on the road."
"In a few days," Varric nodded. "Before we head south, I want to make sure that our northern inquiries have started off on the right foot. We will ask them to send news to Skyhold. That is the safest place. I'll send a guard to Gran's as well. Just in case."

I didn't disagree, just nodded, suddenly feeling the fatigue of the day sink down on my shoulders. Whenever you are in Kirkwall, you feel tired.

"You staying here? At The Hanged Man?" asked Varric, his eyes suddenly filled with worry.
"Yes," I shook my head. "I couldn't... I couldn't..."

I couldn't go back to the house. If I went back to my old haunts, would they all be there? My friends? Or their ghosts? Merrill in Darktown... Fenris in his master's abandoned house... Aveline among the guards... No. I cannot return as it is now. Perhaps one day in the future...

"I know." Varric stood. He did not mention his own family holdings in Kirkwall, where his brother had met his end. "Let's get you to bed."
"I am fine," I reiterated, also rising.

It only took me five minutes to fall asleep.

-0-0-0-

We stayed in Kirkwall for five days, double-checking the mountain paths we had wandered only a year or two ago. It seemed an emptier place now that the Dalish had disappeared and the Qunari presence had completely vanished. In the end, we had to rely on local farmers and traders coming into town for any news of the north and coastal roads. The fisher folk recalled a blonde-haired mage making inquiries about passage to Fereldan.

"Or was it Orlais?" The wrinkled grandfather fisherman rubbed his chin scruff ruminatively. "On a shipload of dyes... or was it lyrium?"
"The regular lyrium, I hope," Varric muttered under his breath.
"Only regular lyrium comes out these days," the fisherman reassured the dwarf. "Any sniff of the red stuff and we have guards and mages and Templars all over destroying it."
"That is what I like to hear," Varric smiled with satisfaction. "Kirkwall has enough to deal with without having red lyrium lying around."

After making a bit more small talk on trade, the empty Viscount seat in Kirkwall, and the rebuilding efforts of the Chantry, Varric and I walked away thoughtfully.

"Looks like we need to head south," I said.
"Storm Coast would be a great place to start." Varric nodded. "If we're lucky, my messages will get to Iron Bull and he could meet us there."
"Iron Bull?"
"Tough Qunari, knows those parts well."
"Qunari?" My eyebrows rise.
"Tal-vashoth now. Unfortunately." Varric shook his head. "Long story short, it was either the ship or the Chargers, and he and the Inquisitor went with men over alliances. Typical Lavellan. Which is what makes him such a great leader in respect to leading men. Iron Bull ended up, well... Tal-vashoth adequately sums it up."
"I see." I gesture to the wharf. "Lead the way, then, Varric."