Broken Symphonies

backstory

The world works in mysterious ways.

Sometimes everything turns out okay.

And sometimes it doesn't.

One of the hardest things in life is that you have to learn to accept and be okay with the fact that things aren't always sunshine and rainbows.

We have to know that the rain isn't our fault. 

Sometimes we're born into situations that we can't help and can't change.

I was impacted by this world as soon as I was born.

Through a series of freak accidents, my mom almost died.

As soon as I was born I was taken away from my family.

When I saw them there was so much nervous energy and stress in the air, my mind picked up on it.

The very first emotion I felt was stress.

Later in life it really messed with my head.

When my mom turned out okay, she was so high on pain medication she didn't recognize that I was her daughter. I got no love and emotion from whenever she held me.

My dad was still worried about my mom, so I picked up on his stress.

Whenever I sleep, I unconsciously hug my pillows and blankets or wrap them around me.

Maybe it's the longing for physical contact or comfort that I was never able to really access.

Anxiety has a huge impact on my life and who I am.

I can't walk into church late because of the squeaky door and walking by all of those people.

I don't stand up for myself.

I don't fight back when things aren't right.

All I do is just lay there as the world keeps on throwing blows.

I'm too scared to do anything.

I feel like a coward when I don't do something and an idiot when I do.

The pressure for good grades is unbelievable.

I've been in the advanced program since first grade and I was always told be the example, even for older students.

Somedays I can't handle things.

I can't handle the work, and the emotions, and my family, and the people.

I can't handle the world.

I was told that because we were in the advanced program we were smarter and knew more.

When I didn't know something or didn't know how to handle something I felt dumb.

I felt that I was letting everybody down.

So I find myself writing this in the bathroom of a church hoping that God will help me because I can't handle this for much longer.

Someday.

Some time soon.

I'm going to break.

I'm going to shatter into a million pieces like glass and my pieces will be spread so far apart it will be near to impossible to find them all.

I believed that sometimes the rain is my fault.

That I brought everything upon myself.

Somedays I can't help but feel that this, in a way, is my fault.

That I did something to deserve this.

Demons in my head tell me that it's my fault.

I've never been strong enough to tell them to get out.

To go away.

I've been able to quiet them but they're still there.

Gnawing at my head.

Scratching through the cage of straw that I've been able to build.

I'm drowning in my own thoughts.

They feel like oil slipping down my throat.

Suffocating.

Slippery.

It's terrifying how much I can't do to help myself.