Deal With It - Sidemen Fanfiction

S•I•M•O•N - Autopilot

"I'm trying to connect with you
To see the world the way you do
Try to understand what's in your head
I'm hearing what you said."

His head was my pillow on the sofa as he listened to me attentively. I felt myself riding a wave of emotions and memories, with Josh beside me, his hair grazing my cheek , searching for a way of showing him he didn't have to put himself between us and JJ all of the time.

" 'Cause I wanted to say
When I see you this way
Don't ever let it break your heart
I'll go back to the start
I'll watch you fall apart."

First, the front door, closed and locked. I walked from the kitchen, hearing a key scrape in the lock impatiently. Stood in front of the door I waited for the raven-haired boy, sure it could only be him so late. He practically fell through the door, his eyes so fixated on the ground that he didn't even see me watching him from a distance until he looked up and met my gaze. I stared into his soul, the hazel darkening to a deep brown; sadness and pain. I easily persuaded him to let me hug him, the rain lashing the windows in the same way it had beat him down on the long walk home. He had never clung on to me so desperately than in that moment and it was the first time I saw him through the fractured, cracking windows.

"Feels like an empty space
You don't enjoy the taste
I just need a place to hide
Somewhere to make you right."

Another time, I was alone in my room. I could hear him through the wall, talking to his camera. I had nothing to do and I was lonely so I sat next to my bedside table, cross legged on the floor. My head rested against the wall behind me and I listened to him film. I couldn't see the game but his voice was enough to keep me company. It was only the second time he had recorded alone since the argument with her. Listening to him blindly, that was when I realised he could mask his emotions so easily. Whilst everyone else was hearing a ray of sunshine I was having to squint through the stormy clouds to catch a glimpse of the light.

"If this isn't what you want
Head back to your own haunt
And you'll find a missing piece
Or just a big relief."

He had just got home from talking to her. I heard him brush off JJ downstairs and come running up to my room, his knocks insistent and energetic. I let him in and he jumped at me happily. "She said we were okay," he mumbled into my shoulder in relief, "Thank you so much, Si." I hugged back tightly, holding on to the rare burst of warmth he radiated. "I'm glad you two are happy," I replied earnestly, although a part of me wished he would still want to stay up in my room talking until the early morning about his problems. "We wouldn't be without you," he replied, unusually youthful and innocent. My heart began to melt for the boy.

"Maybe you lost control
Fallen into a hole
The way that it was before
It's all that you're looking for."

I thought of all the times he had looked after all of us. Once we were staying in a haunted house. Everyone else was so distracted by the prospect of seeing a ghost that they didn't realise the oven was still on, slowly heating the house up. Of course, he was the one to spot it and sort out the problem. He was the one with a plaster for Vikk's cut. He was also the one who was alone upstairs when a door randomly opened in front of him but also the one who slept up there just so all of us could sleep together in the living room.

"You just need to take a step back
Is autopilot kicking in?
You're feeling like you'll never win
Hey maybe I can help you out?
Don't fall into your doubt
I hear you screaming out."