For as long as I could remember the topic of death had always been the center of my interests. The older I got the more I found my thirst for the knowledge of what it was like to die seemed to grow. I wanted to know what it felt like, what you would see, if there really was heaven and hell. Mom said my coveted yearn for it was concerning and unnecessary for a girl my age. I hadn't wanted to kill myself, not then. Mom had thought otherwise.
"Give it a chance sweetheart, it'll help you." She told me as we sat in the air conditioned car parked in the school lot. She had insisted I go to some kind of therapy and rather than spending actual money for a professional to dig deep insider my brain, she chose to sign me up for a group therapy every Saturday.
"I don't need it," I muttered, my words full of seriousness, "I'm quite alright."
"Don't care, you're going into that school for an hour and you are going to talk and you will get better, you are not quite alright!" She slammed her hands down on the steering wheel, the sternness in her voice sending a slight feeling of panic through my body. I quickly opened the car door. I said nothing to her, just turned around, taking the few steps to the front doors of the school.
Everything was so still compared to the busyness of the school day yesterday and everyday before. The hallway empty and quiet, I changed my slow pace into a much quicker one. Seeing the blue doors of the gym coming into my view, I slowed down a bit, taking a deep breath before pushing past them. The session had seemed to already started, people whom I was not familiar with sat in a circle of metal fold up chairs. It was straight out of a movie scene. Awkwardly making my way over, I took the only seat left next the boy with curly brown hair who sat next to me in maths and always smelt of weed and cigarettes.
"Amber?" He questioned my unexpected appearance there.
"Matthew." I said in acknowledgment, hoping no one else would talk to me.
"Well, looks like someone new decided to join us," a man with long brown hair parted down the middle and thick rimmed glasses said looking towards me, "would you like to introduce yourself and tell why you're here?"
"Erm, no and no." I said not intending to sound rude although my tone of voice for sure made it sound it. Matty looked at me amused.
"Her names Amber." He informed the twenty people there.
"Alright, Amber." The man said before he continued talking again.
"Why is Amber Resser in group therapy?" Matty snarked quietly so his words could only reach my ears.
"Why is Matthew Healy in group therapy?" I mocked his tone in feign seriousness.
"Oh come on, don't be that way, no one likes a bitch." He shook his head.
"I'm not even being a bitch." I gasped, not caring if everyone heard.
"Is there something you'd like to share?" The man asked in the direction of us two.
"No." I scolded, leaning back in the chair.
-
The end of the session seemed to never come, until it did and Matty invited me to hang out with him and his friends. I agreed, upon the approval of my mother of course.
"You know you don't have to ask your mom for everything, you're what fifteen yeah, you can live for yourself." Matty mused to me as we drove to his house in his beat down car. His mom didn't like it, said it was a no good piece of junk. He said it was his dad's when he was younger, it meant something special to him as he didn't see his father often. I told him I understood, I hadn't seen mine in a while either. He parked in front of a house I assumed was his and led me to the back yard, which was taken over by trees. He guided me through them, to one with slabs of wood screwed to the trunk, presumably to form a ladder. Looking up I was correct, a sort of tree house built into that tree and the ones surrounding it.
"C'mon." Matty motioned to me making his way up. I followed in a short distance behind him, looking down to the ground as I did. Upon entering the three house, I was confronted by people I've only ever seen in the school hallway. Three other boys, besides Matty, and a lanky girl with a chest so big I imagined she'd have a hard time seeing the ground. I of course was exaggerating from jealousy of my small chest. I quickly learned the girl was Matty's girl, as he made his way over to her and practically swallowed her face. I wasn't used to being around others who did such actions, but it seemed the others were as they went on with their doings. I hadn't noticed the smell of weed until I saw the three boys laughing their asses off at nothing.
"Oh," Matty perked up from the girl as if he'd just remembered my existence, "guys this my friend Amber." Is all he said before glueing his face back to hers.
"Amber," one of them said, "want some." He held a joint out to me.
"No, I'm good, I don't really do drugs." I folded my hands together, sitting against the opposite wall from everyone.
"Matty your new friend here is boring, make her leave." The girl blurted out loudly, scooting back from Matty.
"Nichole don't be mean." Matty smiled at me, his words in a mellifluous tone.
"Oh sorry didn't know she was your new girlfriend, or maybe just fuck buddy if we're being real." Nichole rolled her shinny green eyes, grabbing the joint previously offered to me.
"Damn Nichole we thought you'd never catch on." One of the boys said through giggles.
"Shud'up George!" Matty yelled, his voice turning bitter.
"I'm just gonna get going." I stood up collecting my thoughts.
"No no, sit down sweetheart, I was just gonna get going, I'm sure the boys would like a girl around." She walked by, pushing me to the ground. Matty watched her climb down in utter confusion.
"The fuck?" He looked towards the boys, who all shrug and continue on.
"Want one?" A scrawny boy asked Matty.
"Nah mate, mum'll kill me, not 'aving any of that today." Matty swatted his hand away, careful not to hit the hot embers.
"What did she mean?" I questioned the boys, "you guys'll want a girl around?" I felt myself becoming a bit worried. What were they gonna do to me. I took my cracked phone from my back pocket, having the police ready if I so needed to call. I hadn't thought my plan through, I didn't know where I even was.
"Nothing, don't worry 'bout it, she's mental." Matty smiled, sitting besides me. He pulled a small bag from his pocket, holding it out to me. I studied the white powder sealed between the plastic. He was gonna make me do drugs.
