You Can't Break Her

Eighteen| Enchanting and blinding

Age six

January 1996

The sun still hid away below the wintery horizon as I fed and dressed myself that morning. I waited by the side door, wearing my full snowsuit when my mother rounded the corner to the kitchen.

"It's time to-" she paused when she saw me. "Oh, you're ready."

Exiting the house, we were barely able to scale the snow that had fallen over the last week. We took our time walking down the treacherous sidewalk to the corner where I caught my bus.

"Happy birthday, baby!" My mother nudged elbows with me. "I hope you aren't too upset that we won't be able to do anything special for your birthday."

I smiled. "I don't need anything, Mom. It's okay."

Jess wiped a single tear from her cheek. Turning me to face her, she wrapped her arms around my shoulders. "I'm sorry. I wish I could afford to give you a party this year."

"Really, it's fine. Don't worry so much," I spoke words that dripped with lies, of course, I wanted to have a birthday party. What six-year-old in their right mind didn't want to celebrate their birthday. I knew that money was tight, and I only ever wanted to see my mother happy.

I skipped to the curb when I saw my bus pulling up. "I love you, Mom!" I shouted to her as I climbed the stairs, banging my boots off with each step.

"I love you too. I'll see you after school." My mother waved to me as I hopped into my seat near the front of the bus.

***

After school, I stepped off the last stair of the bus and ran to hug my mother. "Mom!"

"I missed you today. How was school?"

"My class sang happy birthday to me, and the teacher gave me a sucker because it's my birthday," I said, flailing my hands over my head as I explained my day to her.

"That was so nice of your class and the teacher. She commented as we neared our house. "Did anything else exciting happen today?"

"Nope, it was a regular day. We went into the gym. I answered the math question before anyone else, so I got to pick which activity I wanted to do first."

"That's good." She opened the side door, looking back at me. "I have a surprise for you."

Entering the kitchen, my eyes bulged out of my skull. "What's all of this?" I spun in a full-circle, taking in the pink streamers that hung from the ceiling. A rose tablecloth covered our kitchen table with matching balloons tied to the chairs, floating and bobbing from the breeze we let in.

"It's just a few things from the dollar store. I wish I could give you something better. When I get paid, we will go to the store, and you can pick out any toy you want, okay?" my mother said as she put her hand on my shoulder, but I wasn't listening.

Surrounding me were decorations, balloons, a happy birthday sign - all the things I never expected. It was like walking through the house, and suddenly nothing had ever happened. The kitchen utensils were not tools to injure me, and there were no nightmares or sleepwalking. Everything was perfect. Everything was forgiven. This gift was enchanting and blinding; she did this for me because she loved me.

"Wow! Is this for me? I asked, ignoring her explanations. "I thought you said-"

"Yes, this is all for you. I pulled some strings. I had some friends that helped me out." She gazed proudly upon her success.

"Thank you, it's perfect," I gushed, picking up party hats that were spread across the table. Hats that would never be worn because there would be no guests.

"A friend of mine made you a cake. He said he'd bring it over later tonight." She grabbed a can of pop from the fridge. "Where do you want to go for supper? I was thinking about Chinese food."

"Yes, please." I managed to pull myself away from the room's magical allure. Happiness bubbled within my young body, I squealed and leapt for joy.

My mother slammed her fist on the kitchen table, bringing my girlish fit to a halt. "Your brother should be home soon. We will leave whenever Ben decides to drop him off." She sighed, cradling her head in her hands upon the table. "He said he'd be here at three, but-" She stopped to glance at the clock against the kitchen wall. "It's three twenty-five now. We might be having a party without your brother."

I pouted for a second, but the surprise, along with it being my birthday, overturned the negative emotions. "It's okay. We can have another party when Trevor gets home."

***

We ate in the restaurant, returning home to Ben waiting with Trevor in the driveway.

"You said to drop him off tonight!" he screamed as we approached.

"And you said you would be here at three! I couldn't wait all night, Ben. It's Ama's birthday. Please, don't start this now," she begged him then looked between Trevor and me.

"We had Chinese food!"

My brother stopped smiling but perked up when my mom pulled him from the car seat. "Come one, buddy, we are going to have cake and ice cream." She placed him on her hip.

"Cake! Cake! Cake!" he squealed as we entered the kitchen through the side door.

We stripped free from our winter outfits. Seated around the table, we fidgeted while waited for her to cut the cake.

After handing out pieces to my brother and me, my mother pulled out a smoke and lit it.

"My friend made this for me, did I tell you that?"

I nodded while shovelling it into my mouth. It was an aquamarine colour with a matching plastic dog on top. Trevor pulled at the toy, laughing when it squeaked as he squeezed it.

"He works at a pet store. He warned me this would be a dog toy." She pushed her plate forward, putting the plastic-squeaky-toy on the table. "Maybe we should get a dog, then someone can play with this."

My brother and I groaned when she said that.

"Awww, I want to play with it," I cried.

Trevor nodded, and crumbs of cake that had stuck to his face fell into his lap.

Laughing, my mother stood from the table to clean the toy off at the sink. "All right, but I don't know if a dog chew toy is an appropriate toy for a little girl."

"I know Mom, but I like it." I took it from her hand. My brother and I grabbed an end, taking turns squeaking the plastic dog.