HUMBLE.

XIV. Emotions

Emerald

"She's been in that room sulking about this all day, how are you so calm about it?" Ray sat across from me so he could rub my feet. The funeral for my mama was two days ago. I couldn't even let myself cry. I couldn't make myself cry rather. I'm still not too sure on why Jade was feeling this pain she was feeling with our mother being dead, but I didn't feel anything when I heard she died. I wasn't hurt or sad. I did, however, feel at peace with it.

I moved my feet away from Ray with a sigh, "I should at least go check on my baby. She's really takin' this hard as hell."

"As should you," I heard him mumble as I walked away to go up the stairs. Before my mouth got slick on him, I made my way up the stairs with a heavy sigh and some mumbled cussing. He doesn't know a damn thing about the relationship I had with Pearl. It was complicated as hell; I barely understood what was going on half of the time.

I was an only child the first six years of my life. I was treated like the best child on Earth, even though I knew for sure I was a bad ass kid. I always was the child to push my limits with my parents knowing they weren't going to touch me even when I was wrong. My mama always protected me from getting my ass beat like I probably should have. I talked back, cussed out teachers and kids at school, did whatever I wanted to. My daddy always wanted to punish me for the things I had done, but for some reason my mama never found it necessary. I believe now, as an adult, I deserved hella ass whippings. My ass should've been battered and bruised half of my life. I had figured out by the age of about four that as long as I pretended to hang on to every word my mama said, I wouldn't get in trouble for the stupid shit I did. And it worked.

I knocked on the door before entering just out of courtesy. Once I did get all the way in the room, I saw Jade balled up on the edge of the bed with a red puffy face, the clothes she still had on at the funeral, and her glasses hanging half way off. "Baby, do you need anything? You been stuck up in this room for days and I'm worried," I crossed the room to the bed and cradled over her. I practically raised this girl and it was killing my soul to see her like this.

"It's all my fault," she sniffled and coughed out. "Just for me bein' born she felt the need to use. She saw me again and I treated her so damn dirty. I should've loved her more and listened to her. She would still be hea'. I'm so sorry I killed mama."

I looked at her confused. Jade had no part in Pearl shooting up the needle that killed her. That's what addicts do. Mama had been doing drugs way before Jade was born. Hell, she was doing it while pregnant with Jade. My baby was a blessing to come out clean. Jade may not remember, but we were actually taken from our parents for about a year just because of our mama and her drugs. "Baby, none of this is ya fault. You knew damn well it was somethin' wrong wit mama since you were little. It just came back for her and she got caught up."

She looked up at me with her huge doe eyes, "Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like it was me that drove her to do this? She deserved a better child than I was. Y'all were perfectly fine witout me." This definitely hit me in the heart. Mama had gotten in her head so bad she now blames herself for other people's downfalls. She's blaming a junkie's OD on herself. This is not cool at all.

"Her problems are not yo problems, Jay. As much as you rebelled against her, you still let her get to you. You're a far betta person than she was," I rubbed circles on her back. I really hoped I could get through to her because she doesn't deserve to torment herself like this. It's not fair to her.

She began to sob louder than I had ever heard someone cry, "I should've died! I should've been dead!"

As much as I wanted to give a strong fuck you mean face, I couldn't bring myself to do it. "PunkinButt, you're betta than her. She couldn't handle life, so she chose death. I know you love mama. I loved her too. We can't just forget her past though. Whatchu mean by you should've been dead though?"