Counting Stars // Normila

8

Why couldn't I shut my mouth? Why couldn't I repress my feelings like I normally do? Why am I so fucked up?

Camila's mind raced through these thoughts as she looked around at her family. Her mother, teary eyed, stood leaning against a pyjama clad Gerard, his face, like always, expressionless. The only time Camila had seen any emotion on the man's face was in his wedding photos, and even then she was pretty sure they were photoshopped.

Sofi was standing beside Lauren, clutching their father's hand. She was silently crying and stared at Camila, an expression of pure pity and admiration. Great, now Sofi knew how fucked up she really was.

Camila couldn't bring herself to look at her father or grandfather so instead she turned to leave. Refusing to look at Zayn or Normani she pushed past yearning to escape.

Her chest was tightening and her breathing was shallow as she attempted to control of a fresh wave of tears. She hated her mother for leaving her. She hated Normani for kissing her back. She hated herself for even considering either girl could one day love her.

Inside the kitchen everyone stood motionless for a moment and then all at once turned toward the door. Zayn stopped Alejandro from leaving, gently placing a hand on the older man's shoulder. "I think I should go. Right now Sofi needs you more. And Camila needs time. You know what she's like."

Alejandro stared at Zayn finally nodding and turning back to his youngest child, the one wrapped protectively in her oldest sister's embrace.

Grabbing Normani's hand Zayn led her outside, both of them walking quickly to catch up with Camila who was already halfway down the first field. "Go tell her now." Zayn commanded pushing Normani in front of him.

"What? No." Normani gasped, a deer in headlights.

"Did you mean what you said in the barn? That you kissed me because you thought Camila was using you." Zayn asked stopping and folding his arms.

"Yeah. You never mentioned you had to be present for the kiss so of course I thought Camila was using me." Normani huffed stopping alongside Zayn.

"Well move your butt and talk to her. Camila rarely allows herself to be vulnerable and I'm not saying take advantage of that, because as her bestfriend that would be wrong. I'm just saying that right now she is mostly likely still too upset to respond so you should take the opportunity to explain what happened. Interruption free." Zayn said shoving Normani forward again until she shrugged him off muttering okay fine, okay.

Camila had stopped at the fence bordering the field. She sat on the ground, with her back toward the house leaning against the planks, hugging her knees into her chest. Her choking sobs had subsided replaced with the odd tear and she kneaded her palms into her eyelids longing for the pain to stop. This was too much.

The fence behind her shook as someone climbed over but Camila didn't move. She didn't want to see her father's disappointed face right now.

"Hey." A quiet voice said, moving to sit beside her. Camila was taken by surprise. Why was Normani here? She was a part of the problem.

"I thought you kissed me for your competition with Zayn." Normani explained her gaze locked on the night sky. She had to do this before she lost her nerve. She really just wanted to wrap Camila in her arms and tell her it would be alright but if Camila hated her that wasn't going to happen.

"That's why I madeout with him. I was hurt because I thought you used me and I needed a distraction." Normani continued sensing Camila looking at her but refusing to acknowledge it.

"But why do you care?" Camila sniffed, her voice scratchy and raw, "You're straight."

Normani bit her lip intent on keeping her gaze forward. One look at Camila's confused and adorable face and she would crumble. Her resolve would fly out the window.

"My Grandma once walked in on me and my friend Zendaya practicing frenching. We were fourteen. When Zendaya went home my Grandma explained to me how being gay is a sin and if she ever saw me doing the devils work again I would no longer be her granddaughter. For the last few years that's all I've heard. How being homo is the world's worst thing. That if I was gay I was broken, that I was a freak. So I put on this façade. This I'm straight mask. I willing let my Grandma catch me having sex with a guy just so she wouldn't look at me in disgust. Do you know how fucked up that is?" Normani looked at Camila her heart immediately melting. Her own self-loathing and shame forgotten as soon as their eyes locked.

Camila's face was red and puffy. Her eyes were bloodshot but she kept them fixed on Normani in pure intrigue. She felt so much pity toward her. When she came out to Alejandro it was immediate acceptance, nothing but unconditional love. The way family is supposed to react.

"I care Camila because I'm not straight. I'm gay and that's my first time admitting it anyone, including myself. And I like you, a lot actually. You make me comfortable in my own skin and this is the first time I felt accepted, ever. You're smart and funny and beautiful. You are such a good sister and friend and if you don't feel the same about me I'm okay with it. Granted it would be nice if you did but you've already changed me so much that I don't care. You make me a better person and I really am grateful about that." Normani said trying her hardest not to cry. The effects of the alcohol from earlier were apparently still messing with her body despite the fact she'd never felt more sober.

"Mani?" Camila called grabbing Normani's attention and shuffling closer so their sides were touching. "Yeah?" Normani replied staring as Camila laced one of their hands together.

"I kinda like you too." Camila smirked at Normani and the brunette couldn't stop herself from chuckling.

"You're cute you know that right?" Normani said using her free hand to brush away the hair stuck to Camila's face. It was still sticky from tears.

"Yeah I've been told. It's hard being this cute sometimes. All the bitches want you." Camila said feigning sincerity.

"Oh whatever redneck." Normani laughed leaning in and kissing Camila.

Unlike earlier the kiss was gentler. Camila's lips softly pressing against Normani's, the kiss so much more than a physical act. It was a release from the night's madness, confirmation that they both wanted this, a sign of mutual need.

Camila snaked her arms around Normani's waist and Normani draped her arms around Camila's neck. They were tangled in each other and it was bliss. The kiss wasn't passionate it was chaste and comforting and after all the drama. It was necessary.

Breaking apart they leaned against the fence. Camila rested her head on Normani's shoulder keeping her arms in place and she sighed.

"Why did you still kiss me even after you saw how fucked up I am?" Camila asked as Normani ran he fingers through Camila's hair, a reassuring gesture.

"Well this really smart chick once told me no one defines us. Especially not our parents. So just because you had a well-deserved temporary breakdown doesn't mean your fucked up Mila. You just need to be honest about your feelings and not let things build up." Normani smiled, kissing the top of Camila's head watching how Camila traced patterns on her free hand.

"Wow we're together not even five minutes and you're talking about other chicks. Great." Camila grinned glancing up. "Oh we're together are we?" Normani asked raising an eyebrow.

"Well I assume so. Why else would you follow someone so messed up down a field at three am?" Camila inquired planting butterfly kisses along Normani's jawline.

"Because I'm equally as messed up?" Normani offered pecking Camila on the lips before the brunette snuggled back into her.

"We're all a bit fucked up." Camila sighed concerning on their entwined hands. "But at least we have each other. That's something, 'eh freak?"

Normani scoffed and kissed Camila's temple before agreeing. "It is indeed redneck."