So life has been rather mean to me lately. I haven't been able to start school yet thanks to my dad pulling me out of clearfield before school even started. I've missed my first band concert and all the football games. I was chosen to be on my schools band council this year but haven't been able to help or attend meetings since I'm not in school or the band technically. So my dad is the highest level of asshole. All he has to do is agree and I can go to clearfield but even that is too much to ask for. I've been having meetings with him about going to school and he refuses and I've decided I'm done letting him control my life. I told him off and disowned him, told him he isn't my dad, he doesn't get that title. The only connection he has to me now is biologically being my father. My mom is letting me look into emancipating him. And if that works out I can go back to school cause he won't have any control over that or me. And if that takes longer, my Mon has court in December to fix some things in their decree and she is hoping to get me to clearfield in that meeting.
So on top of that shit storm, my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. We'd been going out three weeks and he disappeared Monday night and then finally talked to me yesterday and called it off. It hurts like hell. Even though we'd only been going out for three weeks it hurt more and I have been crying more than when I broke up with my old boyfriend of seven months. It's been killing me. I cried in the bathtub yesterday and then cried myself to sleep last night. I've been doing everything to keep myself busy so I don't think or feel. I don't want to break down again. It just hurts like fucking hell. It's only been a day and I miss him. Just talking to him, knowing he's there. We couldn't see each other too often which sucked but apparently it was hurting him too much. But I mean just my luck too. It just really sucks.
With it getting later in the year I think my depression is getting worse too... I just want to stay in my room and sleep and avoid people anymore. There are very few people who I want to see and talk to, and I just lost one. So there's one less person to care about me. With all of this shit going on, it's not helping matters either. Honestly I've been having thoughts of cutting again...I haven't done anything but damn it seems so tempting. I know I shouldn't but I don't really even feel much anymore...I just seem to be in a state of numbness that just goes on and on. It's rare that I feel happy and I just lost one more thing that did make me happy. Now I just feel numb, pain, and hurt. And I've been getting a lot of pain and hurt lately...life really has it out for me. I have the thoughts about cutting and honestly have thought of suicide, just to make the pain go away and see if anyone would actually care or even notice. But I can't bring myself to do anything either. I don't have a high pain tolerance and I promised myself a few years back that I wouldn't be the reason I die. And honestly that's a lot of what has kept me here so far... And the fact that I'd be hurting the few friends I have and the family that actually cares. And I just can't hurt them. I've hurt too many people already. But because I can't do any of this I just seem to lie in bed feeling numb or crying from everything that's going on in my shitty life. And no one can help. I just feel numb...and I'm done. I don't know what to do anymore. If I try I just get knocked back down even worse than before. So I've given up.
I know this is really depressing😂 so sorry if anyone actually cares to read it. But most of these entries will probably be that way, fair warning.
