My Life

Monday, January 7 2019

So it's officially the new year...But I'm not excited for it. This is probably going to be one of my worst entries just cause I'm not doing well. So many of my friends have asked me if I'm excited for the new year, at the new possibilities it brings. And I'm not. I mean I should be. This is the year that I graduate, the year that I turn 18, the year that I get to travel, the year that I can change my name. I should be so excited for it to be 2019, but I'm not. And there's one big reason for it and it happens to be a boy. 

It honestly sounds like a typical teenage girl problem right? I gave my heart away and got it broken and I should be able to heal and move on. But there lies the problem. I can't. And I don't really want to. I know that being an empath has made this so much harder on me than it should have, but for some reason I get the feeling that I shouldn't let go. It could be the empath in me telling me this for a reason or it could just be me being a dramatic high school girl that's obsessed with her ex. I honestly don't know. But either way, I just feel like it shouldn't have ended. At least not the way it did or as soon as it did. I just have the feeling that it should have been so much more. I had dated him before  and that only lasted about two weeks. When that ended yeah it hurt, but I was able to go on and move on with my life. I was able to try and get out there and meet new people but this time I can't bring myself to. I've had the opportunity multiple times but I don't want it. When people ask if I have a boyfriend I still almost respond yes until I realize that I don't anymore. That I'm alone. Sometimes when I'm talking to my friends I still call him my boyfriend, not even realizing. This long after a breakup I'm usually fine and trying to get back out there. I've accepted that it happened and now it's over, but I just can't this time. It doesn't feel over to me. All those feelings are still there and in full force. I can't seem to get rid of them or mute them or anything. And I've tried. I've tried so hard. And not even for myself. I've tried because that's what he said he wanted. And it sucks but I'll keep trying. It absolutely kills me but if it's for him I'll do it. I don't want to be the one that causes him pain or that creates more drama. I've only ever just wanted to be there and help, and that's what I'll continue doing. I may smile and act like everything is fine but it won't be. But I've been doing this for so long now that it will be okay. No one will notice that it isn't real. No one will ask, no one will care. "As long as I say the right things and I act the right way they're happy, because that means they cured me right?" I've been using this on everyone. Parents, friends, family, teachers. And if I have to add him to the list to make him not think about me, then that's what I'll do. Even though I know it's over I can't bring myself to stop caring. And I don't think that I ever will. Losing him was the worst pain I've ever felt. I didn't realize how much I could hurt until that day. I've dealt with shit before. I've dealt with having to lose friends, having to put my dog down, being the failure in the family, and even having to cut out my dad. But somehow none of that hurt near as much. I didn't only lose my boyfriend that day, I lost my best friend. And the sad thing is I didn't even realize until it was over. Somehow he knew me better than anyone else, even though I had tried to close some things off from him. Somehow without me even realizing it, he got me to come out of my shell. I was more open to just about anything when I was with him. Some things I was still self conscious about and wouldn't do, but I wanted to. He would always try to get me to sing with him. I've always wanted that but I've been told so many bad things about my voice that I didn't dare. I didn't want something stupid to cause issues. And I know that he has an amazing voice so I didn't want to ruin those moments. During our drives I would have gone anywhere with him. I would have stayed out all night and not even cared. I've never felt safer than when I was with him. Not with my mom, not with my grandparents, not with anyone. I know that I tried to keep a lot of my history a secret but I didn't want him seeing me different. Everyone always feels bad after hearing it all and they see how broken and damaged I am. I was a completely different person when I was young. I didn't want to see that look of pity whenever he looked at me or heard me talk about my dad. I didn't want him to see me differently. I probably should have just told him everything and maybe things would have been different. I should have told him that the only reason I freaked out when he drove a little crazy was from ptsd from the time my dad nearly killed us doing that. I should have told him that I didn't want to sing because I didn't want to be judged anymore or that I wasn't comfortable if I didn't know the lyrics. I should have told him that I was struggling with my depression as the seasons changed. I should have told him that I wanted to be adventurous and do things, I just didn't even know where to start. I should have told him so many things that I didn't and now they're just going to drown me. Losing him has been the worst point in my life. I have never cried so much. I have never felt so much pain. I have never felt so lost. I have never been so hurt. I've never felt this alone. I've never felt this numb. These past two months have been the worst of my life. Nothing seems right anymore. I can't do anything right. I don't want to do anything. I don't have motivation for anything. I don't want to eat. I have nightmares every night. I feel so alone. I don't even talk to my mom anymore. I've always told her everything but she has been so moody and mean lately that I don't talk to her much anymore. Anything I do I get in trouble for. I've been looking for some sort of way to feel again but I can't seem to find anything. Drawing doesn't help, music doesn't help, hell I can't even get myself to read anymore. I just feel lost. I've been cutting lately. I know that I shouldn't but that's the only way I feel anymore. I never understood how people could handle it but I guess I've reached that point. I know I should stop but I can't really see the point anymore. I had always had a reason to not. Something that reminded me that I could be happy and feel happiness and cutting wouldn't do a damn thing but I don't have anything anymore. I haven't told anyone because no one can do anything. I know that I have some friends that are there for me but I still feel alone. They try to cheer me up and it's so sweet but I still don't feel happy. I can't figure out how to get it back. God knows what I want and I'm pretty sure would work but I refuse to try and dump all this bullshit on him. There's a reason I never told him whenever I felt this way. There wasn't much he could do. But just being with him made all of the bad melt away. But either way he deserves a whole lot better than some depressed piece of shit. So it's probably for the best. At least he'll find better. He deserves better. He's one of the good ones. So he better get the life he deserves. That's what matters.