3 months...
3 months ago...3 months ago my life turned to shit. Three months ago I became suicidal. Three months ago the person I was and wanted to be, died. Three months ago I started cutting. Three months ago my life ended.
This has honestly been the worst three months of my life. I don't know what I feel anymore, I hardly feel at all. I don't know how I should feel. I don't know what to do. Three months ago I got my heart broken...and it won't ever get fixed. After that day I haven't been the same. I've tried. I've tried so hard. I've tried to be the girl that everyone needs and that everyone wants. But I can't seem to be her anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't feel like me. I just feel lost. Three months ago I felt like I was figuring out who I was and now I don't know who or where I am. I don't know why I'm here. I don't see the point. Three months ago I had a reason to stay. Now it might be a reason to go. I don't have a reason to stay now. I don't know why I do. I don't see why I matter. No one really cares. If I were to be gone would anyone even notice? I don't think so. I had such a big reason to stay three months ago and now it's gone. That was my reason to not cut. To believe. To not go. And now it's not here. Hell I think he hates me. I don't know what I did. I tried everything. I tried all that I could and I fucked up the one good thing that I had. I tried to be there. I tried to make him happy. I tried to help him. I tried to give him space. And nothing worked. My dad was right. I'm just not good enough. No one will want me. I'm stupid and ugly and pointless. I wish it had been different. So badly. I thought it would be. For once in my life I actually saw a future. I actually saw a point. I actually felt loved. All I get is people wanting pictures and to have sex and that's all I get daily. No one else cares. I'm not worth anything else. I know I shouldn't, but I miss him. Everyone tells me not to. Everyone tells me to move on and get over him and I've been trying. Nothing works though. I miss his smile. I miss his cheesy lines. I miss him calling me baby. I miss his hugs. I miss his smile. I miss his voice. I miss falling asleep with him on the phone. I just miss him. Everyone said he's a dick and to forget him but he wasn't to me and I never believed that he was trying to hurt me. I honestly believe that he cared. I guess it doesn't matter though. He won't talk to me or even look at me. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could go back in time and tell him everything that I didn't. That he became my reason to live and not cut. That he was what made me happy. That he was what was keeping me going. He told me to move on but I can't. I don't know why but I've tried and I can't. Three months ago I had everything and now it's all gone. I wish I had him. I wish I could call him. I wish I could feel his arms around me. I wish I could get lost in his green eyes. Everything still makes me think of him. I don't even know what to do. I just wish I could have him back. Three months ago to this day I lost everything and I won't ever get it back.
