Things are getting bad again. Who am I kidding. They never got better. Every day I want to be done. Every day I want to give up. Every day I want to not get up. But no one cares. No one notices. The people i thought were my best friends don't even notice or care. I can tell them I had a shitty day and they don't care to ask what happened they go on about their own lives. I've cut and told and they didn't care. It just goes to show I am nothing. If I vanished no one would notice. My mom doesn't care. She let's the kids do whatever they want but not me. And she knows I'm more sensitive but she doesn't care. I'm the one to get yelled at. I'm the one that didn't do anything. I'm the one not doing anything and not caring. I can't do a damn thing right. I feel like she's changing and doesn't care. I don't even feel like I can tell her this stuff without getting in trouble. Or she'd just blow it off as over reacting or a bad day. Because I can't be getting worse. It's not possible. Hell when I went to the doctors last I was too scared to tell him things were bad cause my mom was in the room. I got my meds upped and still feel like shit. I wonder what it feels like to actually be happy. I lost that feeling long ago. And I swear things just get worse. I lose people and I hurt people. No one wants to respond to my messages anymore no one cares. I lost my best friend and it keeps happening. I lost my mom, I lost my dad, I even lost my grandpa he's so mad at me. I lose and hurt everyone. They all say how disappointed they am in me and I can do better but they don't seem to get that I'm doing the best I can and it's hard enough to even want to get up in morning. I lost my best friend when she moved and she's moving even farther away. I can't hold on to anybody. And last year I lost one of the most important people to me. And I hurt him. I know I did. I've regretted it every day since but I didn't want to keep hurting him. I just push everyone away and hurt them no matter how hard I try. And even when I feel like I have someone they just hurt me and show they don't care. All I feel is pain now. Pain and numb. I've tried so many things to make it go away. Music, art, writing, walking nothing works. I have even tried vaping once and cutting. And alcohol seems more and more appealing every day. Something to wash away the pain. Even for a little while. But nothing works. So I'm just in a state of numbness. I'm just done.
