Boy Charming

Chapter Twenty-Three: I went to Confession

The movie was AWESOME!

Life just seems so much better on a full stomach. I got to eat a soup and bun at Tim Horton’s in the mall (cuz Auntie said eating “ice-cream” wasn’t much of a supper – not that I actually ate ice-cream) and I ate half a box of chocolate almonds (I’m saving the rest for later).

I went to confession.

Like the REAL one with a priest and everything. I kind of made a deal with God that if Auntie gave me at least $20 for my birthday (on top of taking me to the movies and buying me chocolate and popcorn) then I would actually go to confession for real, just like I’d told her I would.

So, guess what? She gave me $60! She told me to buy a new dress for spring formal. I’m so not going to waste money like that of course. It makes me dizzy just thinking of all the things I could buy with $60, bread, cheese, eggs, muffins, bananas, milk, cereal, pasta, chips.. the posibilities are endless! Tomorrow I’m going to skip school and just go shopping for food. Tomorrow is Friday and only a half day anyway.

Auntie also gave me a little vintage Raggedy Anne doll for my birthday, like the kind of dolls girls had in the 1920′s, or the 1980′s, I'm not sure. I’m a teenager so I don’t exactly need a doll. But I love it so much and I’m going to take her in my back pack everywhere I go. I’ve already shown her my room and Viros and she’s a great listener too :P

So I did it… I went to confession. There weren’t many people in the church when I got there, but it still took a REALLY long time for it to be my turn, because I decided I would wait to go last. The longer I waited the more nervous I got. It felt like I was waiting to go up in front of my class to do a presentation… about my sins!

I haven’t killed anybody but there was lots I could confess, like my constant lying. Like I lied to my Auntie and basically all my life I've made stuff up, even when talking to DC online. But the thing that was bothering me the most was that I didn’t feel guilty about it. Is it a sin to NOT feel guilty about your sin? Probably.

So finally when it was my turn I was a nervous wreck. I'd gone to confession once before, when I was like 11 I think, so I knew what to do when I got in the confessional, I said “bless me Father for I have sinned, my last confession was… 3 years ago.” The entire time I was confessing I was worried the priest would notice somehow that I didn’t feel guilty enough.

But he was really practical, he didn’t even talk about religious stuff. He asked me if I remembered how this whole bad habit of lying started. He said maybe I'd gotten so used to telling 'stories' that I no longer noticed I was doing it, which is kind of true actually. He said to think up things I could tell people that are totally true, next time I talk with someone, and to just practice being more truthful. I also confessed that I haven’t gone to church in years. I was expecting the priest to look disappointed or concerned, but instead he said something like, it is “a cause for celebration” that I decided after all these years to come back now. I didn’t confess about my mom not being around, that’s not my sin but hers. 

I felt much better afterwards, the way I would feel if someone had given me a hug :) I haven't had a hug in as long as I can remember actually.

Now, I'm in my room and all these things come to mind that I do feel bad about, like how I never really listened to my mom and how she tried really hard to make this house cleaning business work and I never helped her out with it. She asked me to come with her to some of the houses just to vacuum or dust once in a while but I always had some excuse, like I had too much homework.

No wonder she left me here, I’m not really good for anything. I never help out around the house or help bring in money by working at a place like McDonald’s. I’m a burden. I don’t even think she wanted me in the first place. I wish no one had to take care of me. I don’t want anyone to take care of me. I will find a way to take care of myself.