A Sunflower and the Pebble

A letter

Song: Sad Song (feat. Elena Coats) by We the Kings

Present Day

I sit on my bed, flipping through my notebook I have dedicated to Callan. It's full of letters to him, and poems, and little thoughts and quotes. And tonight I want to write him another letter. I find an empty page and grab a pen from one of my cups and begin to write.

My dear Pebble,

It's been so long since I've gotten to talk to you, and I know that right now I can't, but believe me when I say that I want to so bad. I have to fight it everyday, the urge to talk to you. Truth is, I'd be content just to know you're okay. And I guess I get my answers in odd ways that I have to accept as good enough, like an Instagram post from you or someone else with you in it. It's not much, I know, but it makes me feel  so much better just to know you're okay.

I miss you, you know. All the time. A lot more everyday. And a little more every minute. No matter what I do, I can't get you off my mind. Sometimes I'll find myself stopping what I'm doing because you came to my mind. And sometimes when I'm missing you a little more than usual, I hold your bracelets close to my heart and pray that one day, life brings us back to each other.

I never thanked you...for leaving the bracelets at the counter on the worst day. I didn't want to give them back, if I'm honest. I don't wear them all the time, only when my parents aren't around. My mum knows about them, and she's threatened to take them away from me. She's even asked what kind of contact I've had with you, though technically it's been none except for subtle messages in posts or pins. I can't let my parents take them away. It's the one piece of you I still have, unless you count the necklace and the book but I don't because they weren't something that was yours that you had all the time. I don't want them to take you away completely. I almost lost them the other day. It scared me so bad I was honestly tearing up. But you know this. My best friend, Winona, told you. She even showed me the messages you sent her about me...

I wish you understood. Why I'm choosing to stick with you. What I see in you. I'm sure you have a lot of questions like that. Shoot, even when we were together you asked questions like that. And maybe, in some small way, I can answer them.

Callan, after Nolan, I was hurt. It was a pain I couldn't understand at the time, and even though he claimed he was picking me over his new girl, I couldn't bring myself to be okay with it. I tried and tried to accept what he had done, but my heart plagued me and I wasn't sure that feeling was going to go away. So when he broke it off with me, part of me felt relieved but at the same time incredibly distraught. I was done. I didn't want to fall in love again, and I didn't want to give my heart to anyone. I was angry and hated men. So I was done. I wasn't looking for anyone new and I had my life planned out. I was going to live by myself for the rest of my days hating the male gender. I was doing fine to an extent. But then you came along.

I always thought you were cute, but I wasn't about to say anything. Instead I kept to my group and just stole glances at you from across the room. You stood out to me. The other guys couldn't catch my attention unless they were wearing something awful but you...you were different. It was like you had a different light to you. I still remember looking towards a group you were in. There were mostly guys in the group, but still you stuck out.

When we began talking I realized that you really were different. I've talked to other guys before, but not the way I'd talk to you. With them I talked about superficial things, just the surface of things. You? With you I'd talk about things that were special, important to me. Books, music, art, what I wanted to do in the future...I told you things I'd never told another guy, not even Nolan and I was with him for 2 years. You spoke to my soul...I felt comfortable with you. I felt like I could be myself and I didn't have to worry about it. With you I wasn't scared. With the past guys I liked, I was always scared. Always. But with you I wasn't. I had some worries, of course, but I wasn't driven by fear.