A Sunflower and the Pebble

Late Nights with the Moon

Songs: Vanilla Twilight by Owl City
             All The Stars by Ed Sheeran

Present Day

I throw the sheets off my body, growing more restless as the night goes on. I don't sleep well anymore. So many memories, from such a short time, plague my thoughts and heart. Even asleep my thoughts return to him. Always to him.

I sit up, looking at the alarm clock that sits above my bed. 2:16. I flop back onto the bed, sighing in frustration. I'm tired as I've ever been, but sleep is far from me. My heavy eyelids beg for sleep, but my pounding heart refuses. My heart beats a lot faster now than it did before. Something I have yet to figure out. I sit up again to adjust the blinds. On nights like this, the moon shines right into my window. And sometimes, on nights like this, when the loneliness and heartache hit me the most, I talk to the moon.

"I miss him..." My voice is a whisper, as if it's barely there. "I miss him so much it hurts..." I roll onto my side and pull the blankets back up over my shoulders. My right hand rests under my head, allowing the smell of his bracelets to calm me. Campfire. A familiar smell...one that brings back my childhood to me, and every good memory that camping always held for me. Except for this past one. The smell has mostly faded from the bracelets, it's starting to smell like me, but it's there. Faintly, but it's there.

My fingers run over the leather bands, as if they were trying to memorize every feature. My heart twists. "Please...no..." My eyes begin to water. I can't stop them. The tears. I hold the bracelets close to my heart as the hot tears spill from my eyes to my pillow, soaking my pillowcase again. "Why? Why does this always happen to me?" I stare at the moon, as if I'm asking for answers.

My breathing was ragged as soft sobs escaped my lips. "I just want him to stay...but I don't want to cause him more pain. I'm not worth it. I know I'm not. All the trouble he's gone through, I'm not worth any of it. And my family...I don't want to put him through that again. I wouldn't want to put anyone through that. Maybe...maybe I'm supposed to be alone. Maybe people like me, who want so badly to be loved and love someone that way, who want their own family, don't get it. Maybe I'm not supposed to be happy...maybe I was made to be alone..." The tears come faster now. I grip my pillow for comfort and pull my stuffed owl closer to my chest. "I don't know what to do anymore."

The only thing you can do. Wait. I know you don't want to, but good things come to those who wait. Remember, impatience is what got you into this mess. And you don't want to have regrets in your relationship with him, do you?

My breathing began to slow. "No...I don't want to regret anything...and I don't want him to regret me..."

Then give it time. He said he liked you because you were different. He's right, you know. You are different. You have a bigger heart than anyone you know. You feel so much, too much sometimes. You care about anything and everything even when you claim you don't. You're the kind of person who rescues ladybugs from the pool, and you try to rescue hurt bees, even though you're terrified of them. You only kill spiders when they're inside the house, and you name the ones you don't kill. Animals love yo because you protect them. Remember Jaci telling you the reason her dog loved you so much? Because you have a good heart. You shine different than the other girls. You talk about books, and art, and culture, sometimes even the darker things you learn while they focus on the brighter things. You come from so much pessimism and that's all you see for yourself sometimes but you're so optimistic for others. You encourage and you're kind, you give others more kindness than they deserve but that's your gift. You're kind. You have a mean streak, don't get me wrong. That fire that you have can get you into trouble when you're hurt. You say things you don't mean, and sometimes you don't care if you hurt someone else. But when you remember, you regret. And you're almost always the one to apologize, even when it's not your fault. You have depth. You're not superficial or shallow. You're stubborn but understanding, argumentative but passionate, you're a walking contradiction! But that's who you are, and that's okay.

My breathing returns to normal, and my tears have stopped. I don't like listening to the voice in my head. She usually says nasty things to me. But I see now that she's right. I spend so much time looking for the good in others, but it's so hard for me to see the good in myself. I am different. I always will be. And there's nothing wrong with that. Callan liked me because I was different. And he only saw a glimpse of me.

"I just have to give it some time. Let him prove himself. If he finds someone else...then, okay. I'll be happy for him. It just means I wasn't the right girl for him, that I wasn't what he needed. I can't be what everyone needs or wants. I just hope that when the time comes, I can be, not just what my husband needs, but what he wants. I...I just want to be someone's choice. Not their first choice or their back-up plan in case something doesn't go right. I want to be their only choice. I just...I just have to wait awhile."

I know what you're hoping for. You're hoping it will still be him when the time comes. And I hope, for your sake, that it will be him. He was good for you. I mean, for Pete's sake, you've never smiled that much! Even now, when anyone mentions his name, you still turn pink and you smile. You're crazy about him. I know this. But just be patient. Let him prove himself. Let him grow and become the person you know he's capable of being. I mean, c'mon, you have like 3 years before you're done with college anyway, so he's got plenty of time to work on himself. And in the meantime, you can become the lady he deserves, and work on becoming the wife he'll need you to be. And it will give you time to get on your feet. You don't want to be a burden on him, and with your parents paying for pretty much everything, you would come with a lot of baggage. So just relax. Give yourself and him some time. If he really likes you, he'll stick around. Just observe him for awhile. I have faith that everything will work out in the end.

"There's something about him that I can't pinpoint. Something that tells me he's different from all the other guys." I close my eyes and whisper goodnight to the moon. Wishing it good dreams as sleep finally finds me.

He is different. From the moment I met him I knew he was different. And the feeling I have about him? It's something that tells me this isn't over.

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[A/N] Dear Reader, as you have guessed, most of this story takes place in flashbacks. Every now and then there will be a "Present Day" portion. These portions will be quite obvious as they will be marked as "Present Day". Just letting you know.

Fun fact: I picked the name Callan for the love interest in this story...but why? Because the name Callan means rock. Clever? Yes.