May 2011
It’s been a year to the day that I went missing.
This is my only thought as I run my fingers over the long scar that stretches from the inside of my elbow to nearly my wrist. It’s faded considerably since it was first put there by Her but I had to be taught a lesson, or so she says. And I did learn a lesson because I haven’t tried to escape since then. I still want to leave but the thought of going back to my family and friends and Dean are a scary thought to me, because I’m different in a way that I can’t explain and that I don’t think anyone could understand. I don’t hate it here, despite what happened around Thanksgiving. I shudder at that memory and push it down along with the bile that threatened to make an appearance.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn’t been locked in this god forsaken place. I think about what would have happened if Dean would have kissed me that night. I wonder what our life would have been like together, would we have broken up or moved forward and get a place together with a dog or kids. It’s something that calms me, to imagine finding a place and making it our own and adopting or getting a surrogate. I always imagined these things before and now it’s the only thing that seems to keep me sane. Sometimes, wonder what he’s like now. If he’s moved on or if he’s still looking for me, I like to think it’s the latter because it helps to think that he’s out there looking for me.
At first I tried to keep all thoughts of Dean from this place for fear of it tainting him once I was out, but now that it seems like I’ll never leave I leave my free to wander to thoughts of him. Sometimes I just replay my favourite memories of our time together.
Like when we were young and separable or later in middle school when he started noticing girls and I started noticing boys and neither of us judged the other. I like to think about our late night talks that were laced with confessions, like when he told me that he was starting to realize that he was starting to see certain dudes as attractive, when he said that I might be one of them. My heart had stopped when I heard it, I it felt like some kinda joke, the fact that Dean Winchester, heart throb and my best friend was admitting out loud that he was attracted to me. But as quickly as he said it he was backtracking and blushing and stuttering and hands down the cutest thing I have seen to this day. We were sitting on my bed facing each other with crossed legs, so I leaned forward and rested a hand on his shoulder and a warm smile.
“Dean,” he stopped rambling and looked up at me through his lashes when I spoke. "It’s okay, I get it. I’m irresistible,” I joked with a grin.
Dean just scoffed and pushed my hand away before tell me to get over myself. Somehow we both pushed that out of sight and out of mind for a while. But things shifted after his parents died, there was a weird night with a pillow fight and our lips being so close, but Sam came in and interrupted. Hmm, Sam, I miss him too. He was so smart and funny and full of life, he was just a big a part of my life as Dean was. He had our own moments of closeness and secrets but it was far more brotherly than Dean and I. Going back to that night though, it was the night that changed everything. It was the reason we would stay up late lying side by side on one of their beds and curled towards each other and our legs entwined from time to time, without ever really noticing. It was also the reason we would sit in the back of the theatre and make fun of the movies we were watching as our hands, knees and legs would brush in the dark making everything heated and intense with just a few moments of contact that lasted no longer than a nanosecond. He was by best friend and possibly my only love, no matter the crushes I may or may not have had in high school. These thoughts, memories, will always have a special place in my heart no matter how long I stay in here for. Dean will be the thing I carry through with me even if I die in here.
I’m pulled out of my thoughts the second I hear the beep beep come from the top of the stairs. If I’m lucky it will be him, because she doesn’t visit me as much since the incident. I see a pair for dress shoes and instantly relax because for some reason I still don’t hate this man. Even though he punched me and possibly tied me down in the chair I was tortured in for a month, it all felt like he was doing it because he had to and not because he wanted to. She on the other hand, enjoyed every moment I was in that chair and I hate her for it.
“Hello Castiel,” he says as the rest of him comes into view and I see he’s carrying a tray filled with some of my favourite foods. "Since it’s such a special day we thought you would like some of your favourite foods.” One might think that it’s from being in here for so long that they know all of this information but it’s really from stocking me and from all the times I was in there establishment and it makes me sick.
“Thank you,” I say sitting up from my position on the bed and look down at the food being set on my night stand with a bleak expression.
“Are you alright?” He asks with a wary smile.
“Fine, I suppose, though I don’t see what’s so special about this day,” I say with a jab. I know why he thinks this is an important day, he’ll say something about coming to live with which is utter shit.
“Don’t...you don’t see?” he stutters. "Why, it’s the day you made our family complete.” I roll my eyes as he sit down on my bed and takes my hands into his. He smiles at me, warm and kind. He leans in for a kiss and I let him because it’s easier than refusing him.
“And we, I,” he corrects. "Have loved every moment you have been with us.”
“Yeah, well I haven’t,” I say turning away from him. “I miss home.”
“This is home,” He say using a finger to my chin to turn my head and face him. He kisses me again this time slow and sweet, nothing like the peck from before. He pushes me on my back with our lips still locked, and before I know it we are having sex, I mean this literally, my mind tends to drift off while having sex with him. I think about green eyes and soft brown hair and sweet little freckles that little dust what is weirdly the world’s cutest nose.
“I love you,” he whispers and because I’m thinking about those too green eyes I easily say 'I love you' back. A few thrusts and some grunts later and he’s coming inside me, he doesn’t use condoms because he says he’s clean but I really don’t care, maybe if he does have something I’ll catch it and die. The only thing is I really don’t want to die in this room; I want to see my family again, I want to have a life past these walls again.
“What’s wrong?” he asks me from behind, he always likes to spoon afterwards which I don’t mind, it’s actually rather comforting. That fact should probably scare me or make me sick at my stomach but it doesn’t because it’s a fact and you really can’t fight those.
“The usual,” I sigh while allowing myself to burrow further into because what’s the use of a warm body if I can’t enjoy it. He tense up at my answer because he knows it means I want to leave and that staying here with them, my 'true family' as they liked to be called, is not ideal. I know he’s conflicted about it, he wants my happiness more than anything, so he says, but leaving is something I can never have. I believe him for the most part about the happiness since he has kept his promise about honesty.
“You know,” he starts making me turn to face him. “It’s been a year since you went missing, to the day.” I hum in agreement and drag an arm to wrap around his side. He’s quite handsome, but I’ve always know that, and he’s kind and loving, despite what he’s done, these are all redeeming qualities that anyone would appreciate and it’s why I always wonder who’s really in control of the situations. Me...or him? I use to think it was her, but when he’s there she’s quiet and small in way I’ve never seen when she’s alone.
It hits me like a huge semi, the idea that it’s him. All of it is him. And that I’m never getting to leave.
***edited by Ba3yBlu3Eyes***
**okay so i know these chapters of Cas are seeming a little repetitive and like they are dragging but i swear i'm doing it for a reason. I'm trying to show what it's like for Cas, never ending days that have no real distinction. So i'm not just a horrible writer i swear lol. **
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A Way to You
Fanfiction(all human au) Dean and Cas were ready to cross the line from friends to more than but before that gets to happen Cas is kidnapped. Dean hopes to find him but will he in time? Will Cas keep waiting for Dean to rescue him or will he give up? Read and...
