The Birdcage Effect

Chapter 27

The final few weeks remaining of the school year were some of my loneliest yet. I was never the type of person who needed to be in the presence of others, however after Mary's betrayal I felt isolated more than ever. The worst part of it was that I was alone in a public and social setting such as school and therefore I constantly felt as though people were judging and scrutinising my behaviours. I tried to stay as busy as I could during lunch, but that was difficult at times considering the library was not always open. I would often walk around by myself or ask one of my teachers if I was allowed to just stay inside one of the classrooms as I told them I had work to finish off. Fortunately, some of the teachers gave me that privilege. Whether it was because they just felt sorry for me or because they seriously thought that I needed the extra time to study for my exams was still a mystery to me. So long as I could take advantage of those few moments of solace, I didn't really care what the teachers thought of me. On the other hand, trying to remain busy and engaged in class was yet another challenge I had to deal with. Often teachers would initiate group work, but since Mary and I were no longer friends it made it very difficult for me to try and suss out other people to work with. This was especially true since I never really spoke to anyone else in my classes. I admit I was a loner of sorts but for the duration of Mary's and I friendship I never had anticipated that only having one friend would ever become a problem. Only now that Mary and I are no longer friends do I realise just how naive that was of me.

As school was drawing to a close, it was inevitable that our year group would celebrate a night of fancy dress and dinner. Unfortunately, it was mandatory that everyone attends if we sought to receive our end of year report and grades. As there was only about two weeks left until that night, my mother insisted that she take me shopping. I was rather surprised when she asked me but I figured she was still feeling guilty about her and my fathers recent divorce and therefore seen it as an opportunity to continue making amends with me. As if buying me a new dress would suddenly solve all of my problems I bitterly thought. Still, I took my mother up on her offer and together we went in search of an outfit.

"What do you think of this black one? It would suit you fairly well." Suggests my mother after searching through some racks in the store.

I take hold of the dress she has selected for me and consider the reasons behind her selection of a black dress. Typically when students are celebrating their graduation they wear something colourful and bright and happy. It seems as though my mother in her own discrete way is sending me a message about how she wants me to feel. Although it may be true that I'm not exactly feeling the greatest about graduating, I should at least look the part if I can't feel the part.

"Black?" I ask her in confusion.

"Yes. Black looks best on you." She confidently says.

My mother must notice the look of annoyance on my face as she finally addresses it.

"What is it?" She calmly begins which is very much unlike her.

"I just thought because it's my graduation and all that I could wear some a little more brighter." I tell her in much the same calm tone.

"Like yellow." She sarcastically adds.

I knew my mothers so called ability to be understanding wouldn't have lasted long, but she could have at least waited until we left the store to start an argument with me.

"No, not yellow. But maybe a nice red or something." I suggest while trying my hardest to remain polite about it.

"Atlanta, don't be ridiculous." She starts with a laugh.

"You'll wear black because it's classic. Now look here this dress is even on sale go try it on." She demands while shooting me a challenging look.

In the hopes of avoiding any drama today, I simply take the dress from her and go try it on. While I'm in the change room, I can't help but think about how my life has changed over the past few months or so. My parents are no longer married, my father has moved out, I hardly see him anymore, my mother continues to treat me like an infant, my ex best friend has instead befriended a she devil and the only boy I've ever had any serious feelings for denies the possibility of ever dating anyone in the near future. All of these thoughts are running through my head and I'm suddenly overcome with a severe sense of sadness. I don't realise I'm crying until I feel the coldness of my tears drying against both sides of my cheeks. I quickly wipe them away, not wanting my mother to suspect anything out of the ordinary with me. Not that I seriously think she would do much to comfort me or my feelings.

"Are you finished in there?" She calls a minute later.

"Almost, I'll come out soon." I inform her while pinching my cheeks to bring some life back into them.

I plaster on a fake smile before exiting the change rooms.

"See? What did I tell you, it looks great." My mother halfheartedly compliments. 

I stare down at my dress and pick at my nails to avoid the tears that so desperately want to escape. No girl wants to hear from her own mother that she simply looks great. Looking great is hardly a compliment. Rather every girl wants to be told she looks beautiful or stunning or even perfect. Not my mother though.

"Yeah, we'll take it." I quickly decide, wanting to officially end this day of shopping with her.

Although the drive back home is silent, my mind continues to overanalyse every moment that I first thought about back in that change room. It's hard sometimes not to think about the negative things in life, but at the same time it only takes a moments notice to think of something positive. With that in mind I ask my mother something I've been wanting to do for quite a while now, yet have become so busy in my own life that I have seem to become so ignorant to the fact.

"Can you drive me to dads, please?" I hopefully inquire.