CHEST TO CHEST (BxB)

THE BEGINNING // Jamie

My brother is all grown up, Mom says. I'm only allowed in his room if he lets me, she says. So I knock on his door, wondering if he wants to go for a walk to find frogs with me, but there's no answer. I know he's home – his car is outside, and Mom told him that he has to stay to watch me.

"Jamie?" I call out, and try the doorknob, finding it unlocked. "Jamie?" I try again, opening the door a smidge and looking inside to see that it's dark, the only light coming from his laptop on his desk.

When I figure that he's not in his room I glance over my shoulder and then open the door the rest of the way. "Jamie?" I call down the hall, but there's still no answer so I take a step into the forbidden room. There are clothes thrown everywhere, and it looks like a disaster. Mom would make me clean up, but Jamie's all grown now so she doesn't care anymore. His book – something old and long – is laid out over the pillow on his bed and now that I'm closer I can see the image on his screen of two men, naked.

Entranced, I walk towards the laptop, not caring that I'm nearly tripping over his clothing. I press play on the keyboard, and watch for a moment as one man kisses down the other's chest and then slips his lips over what I've newly found is called a penis. Just as I'm about to pause it and run away, the door creaks open, and I turn to see my brother, who's so tall he could be a giant, watching me with terror in his eyes. Like he's scared of me.

"What the fuck are you doing in here?" he demands, crossing the room in three strides to slam his laptop shut, barely waiting for me to retract my hand. He looks down at me, and in the shadows of his room the lines of his face seem terrifying. He's going to kill me, he's going to hurt me, he's going to rip me apart limb by limb.

"I – I wanted to ... see if you'd come with me to find some f-frogs but you weren't – "

"So you decided to trespass into my room?" he takes a step forwards and I take one back, feeling like my heart is going to beat out of my chest.

"I'm sorry," I croak, and then he's crouching down in front of me and holding my shoulders with his giant hands. "I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'll never do it again."

"Do you know what you saw?" he asks, his lips drawn tight together, like he's worried.

I shake my head, knowing that he's not as angry as he is scared.

"You're sure?"

"Is it bad?" I return, not knowing the right answer to his question.

His face easily takes the form of a smile, and he squeezes my shoulders. "No," he says, "it's not bad."

"So...boys can find other boys beautiful? And then can kiss their penises?"

Jamie snorts and then covers his face, still laughing. "Oh, Lee," he says, "Oh my god, you – you don't even care, do you?" and then, "Of course they can. Do you think a boy is beautiful?"

I remember Finnigan and Jurassic Park, and telling him and counting his freckles and holding his hand. Should I tell Jamie? He said it was okay.

"Yeah," I breathe and his eyebrows skyrocket.

"Oh, really? Who?"

"Finnigan."

He smiles and taps my nose, "I should have known."

I grin at him, all fear erased. "Will you come find frogs with me, Jamie?"

He nods, once, grabbing a hoodie off of his floor and then my hand, leading me out of his room. "Don't tell Mom what you saw, though, okay? Or that you think Finnigan is beautiful."

I don't know why I can't tell Mom – it's okay, isn't it? It's allowed? "But you said – "

"I know," he frowns, "but some people don't think it is, Lee, and I don't know if Mom is one of them yet. We'll have to find out before you can tell her."

I think about it for a moment, and he squeezes my hand as we head down the stairs. "Okay," I agree, finally, and he hands me my raincoat at the door. "Do you think any boys are beautiful?" I ask and he starts laughing at me again, before ruffling my hair.

"Not at the moment," he says, "but maybe someday."

We find three frogs and he lets me hold them all even though Mom says it's bad.