CHEST TO CHEST (BxB)

THE MIDDLE /// soccer season

                finnigan doesn't do much anymore. he comes to my house and he curls up on the couch with me, and we watch movies and we watch television shows and we don't talk. i run my fingers through his hair and i trace his jaw and his cheekbones and his shoulder blades. i shower with him so he doesn't take all the skin off of his arms. i wait for him to brush his teeth three times every morning and every night before i cut in. i make sure he takes his meds.

"lee?" he asks sometimes, his voice so sad it makes my heart pinch. "why do you put up with me?"

and i never really know the answer.

i hover over the channel playing a soccer game, about to click it, but he shifts his head from where it is on my lap. he grabs the changer and shuts the tv off.

"i don't want to think about it," he says, and it's the first time he's mentioned what happened away from his lawyer and the courthouse.

"alright," i tell him, squeezing his shoulder.

"lee?" he asks, and i know what's coming.

"what?"

"why do you put up with me?"

i don't want to say because someone has to, i don't want to say, because you're my best friend, i don't want to say, because i love you, i don't want to say anything. he should know this all by now. he should know i'd do anything for him, he should know that i love him so much and seeing him this way makes me sick. he should know i just want to help him. i just want to show him he's worth it. i just want to see him smile again, that's all. he's so sad, and i'm so full of anger at the boys who made him this way and i just want to see him smile i just want to see him smile i just want him to be happy WHY CANT HE SEE IT?

i must take too long to reply because he sits up and he fixes me with a cold, grey gaze. i don't think i've ever seen him this angry at me. "it's because you pity me," he spits, "isn't it?"

no. nononononononono he's the strongest person i've ever met, i'm so proud of him, i'm so proud he decided to take this to the law, i'm so proud that he didn't go quietly into his fate, words can't express how proud i am of him that he's still going.

"no."

"then, what, leeroy? i come over here, i mope around, and you let me. you don't talk to me, you don't do – anything – you just - sit there! and you - you – fuck – " his voice breaks and his eyes pool and he's so angry he's almost vibrating.

"i what?" i ask, and my voice is colder than i wanted it to be. how doesn't he see that i love him? ilovehimilovehimilovehim so much, i just want him to be happy, and if that means he has to be sad for a while then i'll be here. i'll bear witness. why doesn't he SEE THAT?

"you just understand!" he screams, finally. "you just understand."

"is that a bad thing?"

he stops, and he blinks and he takes a deep breath and then another.

"you don't have to come here, you know," i tell him, "if you think i'm only pitying you."

he looks at me, and i see it for the first time – he loves me. he really loves me. he loves me so much, he couldn't stop coming here even if he wanted to. "you little shit," he breathes, and then he smiles, he smiles he fucking smiles. he reaches out to touch my cheek, and he shakes his head.

"what?"

"i knew you hated Jurassic Park," he starts, and then he shakes his head again, still smiling. my heart is hammering so hard in my chest because of it i think it might take flight. "i just wanted to see if you'd complain."

"i never did."

"exactly! lee, you're such a fucking – jesus – i don't even know. i love you. i love you so fucking much."

i open my arms for him, and he curls up beside me again. "i was ready to watch Jurassic Park with you for the rest of my life, you know," i nudge his ribs.

"i know."

"i love you too – i mean, obviously."

"i know."

"i'll always be here for you."

he sighs, contentedly, and closes his brilliant grey eyes. "i know," he says, and then, "thank you." 

*

update 3/3