Letters To You

I Can't Get You Out Of My Mind

I can't get you out of my head. And I'm not sure I want to. Don't even ask me why I'm dedicating an entire book to you because it isn't a book, it's a cry for love. That sounds pathetic just writing it and I'm so glad you'll never ever find this. And if you do, please don't realize I'm talking about you.

Although I might go into detail about your perfect eyes that change colour, like the sunrise they are different every day, and every day I wake up wondering what secrets lie behind them. I don't get to see your eyes very often anymore and when I do it's a rushed hello and a quick glance in the hallway.

Because you spend most of your time with her. Which is understandable. I mean, she is your girlfriend. And she's one of my good friends which makes everything worse. Maybe I would have an easier time accepting it if I thought you guys belonged together. But you don't. I mean sure, you're undeniably happy and you probably have great conversations, but she doesn't even like the same things you do! Come on, you spent over $100 (ok definitely more than that) on Doctor Who and Sherlock merch and she hates the shows. I bet she doesn't know half the stuff you told me this summer.

This summer. When we spent a week camping together and I'd never met you before but the late nights made up for it. All the conversations by the fire and on the rocks, the novel you let me read even though nobody had before, the long hikes we took and remember when it turned into us two? Because no one else wanted to continue but I was up for an adventure and you wanted to see more nature and we both had a drive to finish the trail. We're so alike, you and I. I just forgot about it at the wrong time.

I developed a crush on you so quickly, head over heels but I convinced myself you were just a friend. And then we danced together and you asked me to come over and go to an amusement park, and I should have jumped at the chance. But I remembered the last heart I'd broken because I didn't know if I was in love and it was happening again and I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to hurt myself. I spent so long convincing myself I didn't like you "that way" when I thought you didn't either. And my mom would NOT stop telling me to "guard my heart", whatever that means, that you weren't right for me. That I texted you too much. So I stopped. I brushed you off and ignored you as you fell harder for me, then felt bad and told you it wasn't personal, I'd just had some personal problems to sort through.

But I can't blame you or my mom or fate or anything else. I'm the reason we didn't end up together, and I didn't realize how terrible that was until you moved on and I wasn't happy for you.

I'm not happy. I never will be. You asked her to prom and I heard it was cute but I will never watch the video. Because that should be me in her spot. That was supposed to be me feeling your lips against mine. And this is starting to sound like a Justin Bieber song, you know how much I don't like him, and I know the truth.

She deserves you far more than I do.