Letters To You

Where Are You?

I haven't seen you in days and I'm beginning to worry. I know you're in the musical so that explains why I don't see you at lunch, but you never pass my locker anymore. I don't even know if you're at school.

I suppose I could text you but I feel like mentioning this would practically be admitting that I've been looking for you. Which I haven't been, I swear. I purposely haven't. Or tried not to, at least. But I know that one smile from you would make my day so much better and if that isn't sad then I don't know what is.

I want you to know (even though I know you will never see this and I'll never tell you) that I understand. I understand why you chose her. I understand why you moved on instead of trying harder with me. I understand that I wasn't worth it, I'll never be worth it. I'll never be worth your love, not as much as she is.

But I've talked to both of you, especially her, and I know there are issues. She does things I know you don't approve of and you probably don't care because you love her but I'm sure she hasn't told you. And I think you deserve to know. I won't go into specifics because that's her business, but she's keeping secrets from you and I would never do that.

Back to the jealousy. Half of me says she doesn't deserve you and I would be so much better. The other half insists that she's obviously better because you did choose her after all. And I lost any chance I ever had.

I will never tell you any of this because I know I sound like a bitch. I never swear but that is the truth and no other word describes me so well. So again, I completely understand why you wouldn't want me. I understand more and more with every passing second and I'm turning into a jealous, lovestruck psychopath. I'm sorry.

Where are you? I'm scanning the cafeteria even though I already know you aren't here. I need to see you. Unless you're with her. Then I'd rather die.

She just came in with wet hair and a flushed face talking about how you kissed her in the rain, and I don't know if I want to cry or throw up or stop doing anything at all. I want to curl in a heap and sob, I want to stop talking or moving, I want to be completely numb. I don't know what I want to feel but it isn't this, it isn't the feeling of my heart being slowly torn to shreds in such an innocent way. I'm starting to believe that I can never have you and maybe that's best.

But no matter how much I tell myself to move on, I know it won't happen.