Sanders Sides Oneshots

Lonely

Warnings: None, other than sad Virge
No pairing

Virgil enjoyed being alone.  

It was pleasant; soothing. He enjoyed the ability to just.. soak in the presence of absolutely no one. He got to be himself without the fear of being watched or judged. He could sing if he so pleased. Danced, if he was in the mood. He could whip out a book and read for hours without interruptions, he could pull out a pencil and just start doodling nonsense, or he could just stare at a wall for hours on end, just thinking about anything and everything his mind could toss at him.

He enjoyed the silence of having no company, but sometimes, he put on music, to fill the silence if he wasn't particularly enjoying it that day.

He could just lay in bed, wrapped up in blankets and his hoodie, headphones on and smile on his face, and he would be perfectly content. And no one could tell him to stop.

He also enjoyed the lack of pressure with being alone.

He wasn't being told or expected to do anything, he wasn't being yelled at for not doing anything, he didn't have to worry about anyone thinking him of being lazy, rude, or anti-social, because honestly, those comments were too much for him sometimes. Especially when he was with the others and he just so happened to pull out his phone, when the harsh feeling of the cold teeth of anxiety bit at him and pierced his skin; his lungs clutched in the jaws of the vicious feeling, and it became too much for him to bare and he needed some sort of distraction before he burst into tears in front of everyone.

And, he wasn't expected to talk when he was alone.

He could talk to himself, yes, and that was something he did often, but he wasn't just.. expected to do so. He had no one else with him that he was being pressured into speaking to. He wasn't being expected to fill the silence of the room with words. He could just.. be quiet. He could rest his vocal chords.

He loved being alone.

But.. something he'd been realizing lately, is, while he enjoyed being alone... He didn't enjoy being lonely.

Sometimes, when Virgil actually joined the others when they invited him to various occasions, he'd watch them.

He'd see their actions and study how they moved around each other.

Smoothly, precisely, comfortably.

He saw how easy it was for Roman to just push himself into the center of attention, completely uncaring of whether or not the others' were busy, and they wouldn't care. It was.. like they were used to it. Expecting it, almost. They paid some attention to Roman, so the other would die down with his egotistical exclamations, and then resumed doing what they were doing.

Or, when Roman would jump into song at any given moment. He'd expect the others to sing with him, and Patton would join him, the two of them falling into a cheesy Disney song duet together, while Logan just watched on in amusement. They didn't really care if the comfortable silence was broken by Roman's loud, boasting voice. It was normal.

He watched how Patton could just walk up to either of the Sides and just..

Touch them.

He could throw his arms around Logan in an excited hug, and while the other Side wasn't particularly comfortable with physical contact, he didn't seem to care. He seemed to be used to it, like this was a daily occurrence (which, it probably was, what with Patton being himself). he hugged the other in return to ease Patton's happy, bubbly, touch-y mood, and then continue being boring again, and Patton would move on, happy with the interaction.

Patton could grab Roman's hand spontaneously and start spinning them in circles, as if trying to recreate a silly little dance, and Roman just linked their fingers together and obliged, the two of them spinning in the living room, and if some things got broken because of their over-excited dancing, they'd blame it on the dog (that they didn't have).

Logan, when sleepy, would become a little bit clingy, despite disliking physical contact when awake.

And no one minded it when this happened.

During movie nights, if Logan got a little too sleepy, he would just snuggle up to either Patton or Roman, and Virgil would watch in stunned, and slightly upset, fascination as they just held Logan close and let him fall into a peaceful sleep curled up to them. Logan would nuzzle into Roman's neck, because the Royal Side was a few inches taller than all the others, and he would fall into a comfortable position, tucked snugly into the Prince's side. 
He'd rest his head against Patton's, hands on his lap (though Patton sometimes grabbed them and made them hold hands because he found sleepy Lo utterly adorable), and he'd pretend he was asleep when Patton would pull him on his lap, because he knew that if Patton knew he was awake when this happened, he'd never live it down. 

And no one cared.

Every day, Virgil would watch their smooth interactions, and no matter how much he always tried to ignore it, push it down, refuse to believe it was there...

He felt his heart throb and ache with a certain want. Need.

He wanted to feel Patton's arms thrown around him so cheerily, wanted to have that comforting weight of the other resting against him. He needed to know what it felt like to be held by Morality, needed to be able to say he had experienced one of those sweet hugs from the Fatherly trait, to have gained affection from the other.

He needed to be a part of those spontaneous bursts of song from Roman, needed to have the Prince look at him expectantly and urge him to join in their Disney songfest. Wanted to be able to pretend he disliked it, but have everyone know that no matter what he said, he secretly loved it all.

He needed to be on the receiving end of Logan's sleepy cuddles. He needed to know what it was like to have the Logical trait get sleepy enough that he felt cuddly, and just so happen to lean towards Virgil, choosing the Anxious Side to be the one to give him said cuddles, and not mind one bit, and if it was mentioned the next day, Logan wouldn't freak out and assure him it didn't mean he liked Virgil.

And as Virgil sat at his usual place in the stairwell, watching enviously as Patton, Logan, and Roman snuggled up together so easily, peacefully asleep on the couch, Disney movie playing on the television, the familiar feeling of loneliness crept up. It made his throat become tight with emotion, breathing going shaky and uneven, and he finally admitted it.

He wanted affection, he wanted love, he wanted to be held and assured that everything was alright and that he was liked.

And he realized that, while he loved the relaxed feeling of being alone,

He didn't like the empty, cold feeling of loneliness.

~♡~  

I did this to reflect my feelings rn sorta?? I'm feelin kinda lonely and everyone's like well why do you like being alone then lol 

So woot :> 

I might make a part two where Virgil's loneliness gets noticed and they kinda,, all cuddle and love him but idk if anyone would want that ??

Anyway

Word count: 1191 words

~Neko