White Dragon Stories

Loneliness

At night the loneliness creeped through the corridors into his room and under his skin, deep into his flesh and bones and took away his breath. The unnatural cold on his skin made him want to run. However, he couldn't get out of his own skin.
All he wanted was someone at his side at night. He wanted to return to his private chambers and be greeted by someone or greet someone back. After a long and hard day full of work, he wanted to eat dinner together with another person and tell them about his day, his feelings, wishes, dreams, thoughts and ideas. He wanted to listen to someone else's day. At night he wished there were someone to share his bed with and feel their warmth. Was this too much to ask for? Instead he was on his own with his pessimistic thoughts, with his negative mind that told him that he wasn't loved – never had been loved – that he was alone – no friends, no family, no supporters – and that this would never change. Despite knowing that those thoughts were not true at all, he couldn't stop himself from shedding a tear and from somewhat believing them.
Kougyoku was his family, wasn't she? Judar was his friend, wasn't he? Both supported him and therefore they were his supporters, weren't they? And he slowly learned to trust and be more open with others and thereby made new friends or at least established new positive relationships. Or was he misinterpreting his situation?
No matter how hard he tried to push those thoughts aside, this voice inside his head did not stop telling him that they were true. If he had any friends, family or supporters then why was he alone as soon as he left his work place? Simple, he had none of the above mentioned. He was alone!
Everyone was probably at home and having a good time with their family and friends. Only he was on his own. Yes, only he was alone!

Whenever the loneliness creeped into him at night, he tried to push it aside by remembering the times with his brothers. Back in those days the world had been alright. Hakuryuu had loved watching his brothers during their sword practice and had dreamed about how he would also be such a great swordsman and serve the empire one day as well. He couldn't wait for the day on which his own practice would start and then his brothers may also teach him a few tricks. He would have loved to learn from them. Unfortunately, they never got the chance to teach him. This fact made him feel worse and hence he tried to not think about it, which surprisingly worked very well. The memories he had of his brothers were few, yet he could fill hours of loneliness with them. Hopefully, he would be able to make great memories with his family again someday. Who would have thought that memories could be so important to a person and their well-being?

Despite the tears he shed, he could not cry himself to sleep. The tears made it worse and his heart started to hurt. He hated it! It made him feel like a helpless little child.
As a child, he would have gone to his mother and have her comfort him, but neither was he a child nor did he have a mother anymore. There was no one to comfort him anyway. Not in this kind of situations nor in general. If he had someone, he wouldn't be in such a sorry state. Oh, how pathetic he was! What a disgrace for the Empire!

Sometimes he sat down next to his windows and looked up at the starry sky. It made him dream about all those heroes he had heard about in his childhood and made him dream about a world, in which he wasn't on his own at night. Somehow his mind was able to trick itself into believing that he wasn't alone and that in a few seconds someone would enter the room to keep him company. He just had to wait a little bit longer. Albeit, until now no one had ever come.
When looking at the sky he dreamed about all the things he wanted to do, if he had someone at his side. Holding hands, sharing secrets, eating together, cooking together, comforting each other, laughing together and just sitting next to each other. He wanted to be special to somebody. He wanted someone, who was special to him. Until now this person only existed in his dreams and that's why he clung to those – he knew his dreams would never come true and it was hard to be reminded of this every single day. His dreams could make him feel better, but also worse.
Hakuryuu sighed. He wished there were a way to get rid of his negative thoughts and the loneliness. Life was hard enough without them, so he would definitely not miss them! Well, maybe he was just too sensitive. He shouldn't complain so much. Other had it worse than him, right? And he? He was the emperor! There was nothing he couldn't get – at least theoretically. He should get his shit together and stop being such a crybaby. His brothers should be proud of him! But how could they, if all he did was complaining?
Once again he wanted to make a change and finally "became a man": Stop with crying and complaining and accept the things the way they were, stop being so emotional and only live to fulfill his role as emperor! Until now he had failed to follow this resolution, but today everything would change. This time it would definitely came true! This time it was not just an empty resolution, which was forgotten with the next blink. Yes, this time everything was different! Or not.