Amnesia

Reminiscing

AN: This fanfic is purely fiction. I do not want to cause anyone any distress or offend anyone. I own only the words I have written. It is inspired by the song Amnesia by Five Seconds of Summer. There is mention of self-hatred and I do not mean to upset anyone. If you are upset by anything that is included in this story then please do not read it. Thank you and I hope you enjoy the story.

Chapter 1

Ant's POV

I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted.

I drove around Newcastle. I know it's because I'm missing him, but there's no way of getting rid of this feeling. I just want him back. I wish I could see him. Hold him. Kiss him. Just having him in my arms again would make me the happiest guy in the world! Declan is the most amazing guy I've ever met, and when he had to leave with his parents to London it completely broke me. He was my best friend, boyfriend and soul mate. He's the first and only person who has my heart.

There's three places I'm going to. First is the park. This is the park where me and him first told each other our feelings. I can remember it like it was yesterday. The pair of us where 14 years old. We'd known each other for less than a year, but the first time I saw him I knew that I loved him. He was the one who spoke to me. I was so nervous that first day of being on Byker Grove and he was the first person who spoke to me. He made me feel welcome and we became friends immediately. I was scared that he wouldn't feel the same as I did about him, but when he leant in and stopped my stuttering underneath that tree I knew I had nothing to worry about.

The second place is Trinity Square. I took my Decky here for our first date. We had a look around the shops and I bought him lunch. It wasn't much, two small portions of fish and chips each, but it was the most romantic thing I've ever experienced.

I thought about our last kiss, how it felt, the way you tasted.

The final place is Tyne Bridge. Tyne Bridge was our special place. We spent hour here just looking over the water rushing underneath it. Sanding with my arms wrapped around him as the sun set and darkness filled the sky, as the lights from the city shine on Decky's face and his smile lights up mine. I can feel the tears rushing down my face, but I'm not going to try and stop them. The last time we stood on this bridge was the night before he left. I held him so close to me I could feel every curve in his body. I didn't want to close my eyes because I knew that soon I'd no longer get to see him. I wanted the moment to never end. I felt the tears soak into my shirt and my skin as Decky cried. When he calmed down enough to breathe properly I brought out lips together and we shared a long passionate kiss. I savored the feeling and the taste of his lips that molded perfectly with mine. I didn't want it to end, but our oxygen supply for the kiss was running low. We had to break apart from the kiss to catch our breaths. Neither of us said anything. There was nothing to say anyway. We just stood there in each other's arms, sharing kisses and just being together, because the next day we wouldn't ever be able to do that again.

And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine.

I haven't heard anything from Dec since he left. I don't know why, but I know that he's alright because our mutual friend Stephan goes to Dec's old school when we hang out he gives me updates that he's got from his mam, as Dec's mam Anne is friends with Stephan's mam so they keep in contact.

Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?

Although, Dec apparently has a new boyfriend. Stephan hasn't been able to tell me if it's true or not, but a guy call James from Dec's old school told me did. Stephan tells me that James is just a bully and apparently he bullied Dec, but I don't know. Decky never said anything to me and James said that he has spoken to Dec. I just don't know who to believe about it.

When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?

I wrote Decky loads of letters. I never got one back, so I don't even know whether he go them or not. I hope he did. Stephan gave me his new address so they must have go there to him. I don't know why I haven't had anything back, but he either just hadn't had time or he doesn't want to contact me, or he's forgotten my address. But if he did get them and if he's kept them, I hope that he reads them if he's ever been hurt by anybody or is missing me, because I put my heart and soul into those letters.

Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
'Cause I'm not fine at all

I'm holding on to any bit of hope I can, but I doubt he's even read them. He's probably just binned the letters. He'll recognize the hand writing. I truly believe that he loved me, but I think that was just in my imagination. Nobody could love somebody like me. Ever! Decky deserves better. He doesn't deserve someone like me that's so imperfect. Decky is the definition of perfection and he deserve the same for himself.

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made

Oh, that day. That dreaded day that I re-live every time I close me eyes. That day when you told me that you were leaving to go to London because your dad had a new job. I think that, that was the worst day of me life! It really was. When we were on the set of Byker Grove. You'd been a bit off all day, funny like, I asked you multiple times what was up but you just shrugged and said nowt to worry 'bout. But after we'd finished filming, and I found youse on the set outside tryin' to hold back your tears, I panicked that you were ill or sommat. But then you told me. You told me that you were movin' and you wasn't comin' back until you could leave home at 18. You just broke down, and I broke down with ya. Your stage make-up was everywhere. It was all running down your face, but so was mine, as I cuddle you close, never wantin' to let you go. I didn't wanna lose ya, but I couldn't change what was happenin'.

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
'Cause I'm not fine at all

I hate being alone without you Decs. I never thought I'd have to feel this way. I thought we'd grow old together. Have a family together. But you were ripped away from me. And you took my heart with ya to London. I jus' want you back, man. But I don't think that'll ever happen now.