The Soldier's Girl (Under Editing)

Chapter 33

CAROLINE'S POV

By Saturday, which was a week after I found out about my dad's death, I'd learned that there were different types of sad. The first few days all I could do was cry and I wouldn't let Taylor out of my reach. The last few days have been a mixture of that and the opposite. Today was one of those opposite days where I couldn't cry. All of it still hurt. It always hurt. I just couldn't physically cry it out, it was like I had no tears left and I was too exhausted. Half of me thought it would be easier if I could cry and let everything out.

Right now I was doing a task that no kid my age should have to do, I was sitting in the kitchen of my foster mom's apartment and writing my speech that I'll say at my dad's funeral. Every once and a while I would hand my paper to Taylor and ask her if it sounded okay. I couldn't really tell because I'd been through such a roller coaster of emotions in the last week that my judgement was clouded.

I got finished with the paragraph I was on and handed my paper to Taylor again. On the outside I looked almost emotionless because I just couldn't cry. But on the inside I was hurting more than ever writing this paper. Bringing up all the childhood memories and all the adjectives I could use to describe my dead father was a lot for me to handle right now. I looked up at Taylor who was reading my speech. I saw a tear spill out of one of her glassy eyes as they moved back and forth across the page.

Seeing Taylor cry was hard. It had only just hit me today that she had also been affected by this death, maybe not as much as me, but she was hurting to. The paragraph I had just written was about how my dad helped me through my moms death when I was in kindergarten. The fact that Taylor was crying when reading it made me think maybe I wouldn't be able to say an audible word when I got up to speak on Tuesday at this funeral. I'd be too choked up with tears.

"I'm sorry you've had to go through all this." Taylor said in her crying voice before pulling me in for a hug. I'd never seen Taylor cry until today and it was making me emotional, even on a day like today when I thought I was too exhausted to show any emotion whatsoever. My stiffness broke when I heard Taylor's soft sobs right next to my ear. My bottom lip curled outward and the inside of my nose tingled. I could feel tears starting to sting in my eyes and just as Taylor pulled away the first tear streamed down my cheek. At this point my lip was shaking and so were my hands.

When Taylor saw me like this she suggested that we take a break. We went into her bedroom and while I laid down on her bed she went to the bathroom to wipe smeared mascara off her cheeks. For the first time this week I wasn't crying because of my dad, I was crying because Taylor was crying. I felt a little weird comparing Taylor to a mom, but it's like when you see a parent cry and you can't bear it.

Taylor had always been the strong and calm one that comforted me when I was upset and had loving words of advice to say. Seeing her get upset made me want to hug her and tell her that everything was going to be alright like she always did for me. But I wasn't so sure that everything would be alright at this point. When she came back into her room she found me shaking and crying and waiting for her.

"Hey, I love you and everything is going to be alright." She said it, she said everything would be alright. I didn't know why, but I just couldn't seem to look Taylor in the eye. I was shaking profusely and the tears I couldn't seem to cry earlier poured out of my eyes now like the rain. Taylor sat down on the bed and raised my tense body up with little effort so that I was leaning on her. She wasn't crying anymore and seemed perfectly fine compared to me.

"Listen to me Care, I know that it seems like your world is ending, but it's not. You're going to live for a long time and you're going to move on from this. You'll always miss your dad and wish he was here, but at some point you're going to realize that you just have to keep your head up and keep getting through the day even though it hurts. You cry about it now, and that's okay because it just happened and it's a lot to take. I couldn't imagine losing both my parents by the time I was your age and then living with some girl I'd hardly even known for a year. But I'm so proud of you for doing it and for being so open with me. I know that it's hard and I wish I could make it better for you." Taylor said before kissing my head.

What she didn't know was that she just did make it better for me, that speech was what I needed. My shaking had decreased while I was listening to her talk, so had my sobs. I shifted my body slightly so that I could hug her, she rested her chin on my head and I could feel her breathing. In all of this I was just glad that I had Taylor. If it was anyone else I don't know that I'd be hugging them right now. I felt so much more comfortable with Taylor than I did right when I started living with her.

I pushed the memories from right when I started living with Taylor out of my mind because it reminded me that back then my dad was alive. I took a deep breath and let my body relax a little more.

"Next weekend I'm going to have to go to New York. It was as far as I could push back the date." Taylor said to me.

"I'm not going with you?" I asked brokenheartedly.

"You're staying with my mom and dad. I'm sorry. I'll only be gone for two days though, from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon, it'll be okay." She said trying to reassure me.

"Noooo, please no, let me come with you!" I whined at her. I hardly ever argued with Taylor, but this was something I was willing to argue. I needed Taylor with me.

"Caroline, you wouldn't see me even if you did go, I have so many meetings. You need to be with someone, my mom can be with you just like I usually am." She replied.

"Taylor! Oh my gosh noooo!" I pleaded with her but it didn't seem like she'd change her mind. It wasn't like I didn't like Andrea. It just wouldn't be the same if Taylor wasn't with me, especially now, when I was at my worst.

"There's still a week left until it happens. Come on babe, it'll be alright." She always used those types of names with me in situations like this; babe, honey, buddy, sweetheart, love. I wasn't complaining because I liked it when she called me these things, it made me feel special. But she was saying it because she knew I liked it.

I sighed and crawled out of her arms to lay down on her bed. I had my back towards her and didn't say a word. I knew that this was a childish way of letting her know I was mad, but it was the only thing I knew to do.

"If you think that's going to make me change my mind it's not." She said after a while. That was the kicker for the hot tears that had been building in my eyes this whole time.

"Please Taylor." I said while full on crying and turning back towards her.

"Sweetheart," She was doing it again.

"My mom will be there, you can talk to her, it's not like I'm leaving for forever." That prompted more crying from me because my mom had left for forever and so had my dad.

"Hey, I love you and my parents love you..." I'd never really thought about Scott and Andrea loving me. I'd only ever really been told I love you from my parents and Taylor.

"They would love to have you at their house." She continued. I didn't doubt that her parents would have me over, I just didn't want to be without Taylor. I gave up on arguing and just savored the time I had now with Taylor. Besides, I had a funeral in three days that I had to worry about.

I was getting tired of my roller coaster of emotions. I was tired of feeling sad and angry and tired and empty and brokenhearted all at the same time. But I didn't know when my grief would end, if it ever did end.