The Assassin and the Queen

Chapter 6

Celaena needed to not think. She needed to not remember.

She needed to stop remembering the warmth of her parent's blood. 

She needed to stop thinking of the hollow, defeated eyes of Terrasen's people, seeking a living in Adarlan.   

She needed to forget the feeling of muscle tearing and bones shattering under her fingertips.

She needed to not see the eyes of starving children, real and imagined, pleading with her for her scraps. 

She needed to not imagine people fighting and dying in her name, believing with all their hearts in their lost princess. 

She needed to not think, and so she trained. 

She trained until her fingers were cramping with exhaustion. She trained until even her long developed callouses turned to blisters. She trained until her eyes burned, and she could blame it on the sweat falling from her forehead. 

And yet still she could not forget. 

Every time she swung it was at yet another memory. Hounding her, chasing her. 

That one was her father's face, smiling at his beautiful baby girl. Knowing that she would one day be a queen to remember through history. 

 That one was Arrobyn's cruel smile, when he lifted the amulet she had loved so dearly from her throat. When he had told her that she wasn't a princess anymore.  

That one was her mother's face, smooth and calm, trusting unquestioningly in her daughters good heart. 

That one was the eyes of the first man she ever killed, their startled, panicked innocence.

That one was Marion, the faith that lead her to give her life for an 8 year old girl. Because she believed. 

That one was a dark alley, and men killed out of her sheer boredom.

That one was for Marion's daughter, the little girl who had looked at her with those huge, trusting eyes.

That one was a knife flashing, pulling a man apart. Not just killing him, but playing with him. While he was still alive.

That one was the people, just blurred faces, bowing in the streets. Paying homage to their tiny princess. To the girl they knew would one day lead them. 

That one was her own eyes in the mirror. The cold, hard set behind them. The killer behind the unmistakable golden-blue.

That one was Aedion. With his speeches and his earnest face. Telling her to grow up. To become the queen that Terrasen needed. To become a women good enough and pure enough and strong enough to free a people. 

And then there was nothing left to hit. And her sword was a flung feet away. And it was just her. 

And she was crying. 

The sound of a door creaking made her muscles tense, ready for a fight. But then she relaxed. Because it wasn't Aedion or Sam. It was Ilias. And today, it was okay if Ilias saw her crying. She was owed at least that. 

It was a long, long time before either of them spoke. And to Celaena's surprise, it was the mute master who broke the silence. 

"Do you cry because of sadness over what you may lose, or fear of what you may gain?"

"What?" Celaena's voice was shakier and younger than she had allowed it to sound in years.

"I have found, that those are the only real reason people cry. The pain of loss, or the fear of gain."

Celaena didn't respond for a long moment. 

"He wants me to be somebody I buried a long time ago. A person, a person I barely remember."

"And?"

"I don't want to be her anymore. I, I don't think I can be her anymore."

"Which one is it? Do you not want to be her, or do you not think you can be her?"

"Both."

"It cannot be both. If you do not want to be her, you do not think about whether it is possible. You merely move away. You run. If you are looking for a way to be her, and finding that you cannot, it means you want to be. At least enough to go looking for how."

Celaena looked down at her hands. So scarred now, compared to the soft, white things they had been before. She looked at her hands, and she let the memories wash over her. The memories of the girl she used to be. 

She used to be a girl of fire and light and laughter and good. Pure, innocent good. 

She felt the tears slide down her face. 

"I want to be. But I can't be."

"Why not?"

"I've done too much. Hurt too many. There's just, too much between her and me. I can't ever go back."

"You're right." said Ilias. "You can't go back. So don't try. Don't be her. Be someone new."

"What?"

"Be the parts of her that you want. Be the parts of you that you want. Build the woman that you want to be. The woman who has done things, horrid things, but doesn't let that define her. Let your past exist, remember it, and learn from it. Remember the princess you used to be. Remember the assassin you are now. And fuse them into the woman you deserve to be. Forge them into the queen your people deserve. Become someone new."

And as simply as that, she understood. Because she never could be the princess Aedion remembered. But she couldn't keep being the blade Arrobyn had forged her into. 

She stood up, on trembling legs. She didn't know how, and she had no idea who would help her, but she was going to free her people. She was going to be fire and blades. An assassin and a queen. 

And she would start today. 

She turned to Ilias, and spoke her first words as the person she would become.

"My name is Queen Aelin Ashryver Galathynius of Terrasen, and I will not be afraid."

Hey. 

So. 

I am just an awful person. I haven't updated this thing since June. That's just cruel. I'm so sorry. And I know it's no excuse, but I couldn't think of what to do next. I didn't know how to continue the story. I still don't. Which is why this is how I'm ending it. Aelin accepting her duty and her history, and making them her own. I like to think it's a good conclusion.

 As for what happens next, I guess you get to decide. If you want to let me know, either in the comments or in a private message, how you see this story continuing that would be amazing. If you want to take this beginning and write your very own epic story, you have my complete permission.  

I love you all!

Feyrhys.

(also, shameless plug, but I have another fanfiction which I actually am updating semi-regularly, called 'After the Empire'. It's basically my version of what happens after Empire of Storms. So if that sounds interesting to you, go check it out!)