Sherlock's Secret

Part 2

Maggie was gone but Sherlock stayed on his knee's even after she had gone, almost praying he would wake up and this all would be a horrible dream. John crawled over to him wrapping his arms around Sherlock and hoping with everything he had that Sherlock would be okay. He couldn't care less in this moment if Sherlock was in love with him, although his brain swam with the thought, Sherlock needed him and for the first time ever he held Sherlock as if he was the only person in the world that John had ever cared about. Sherlock began to shake and at first you would assume it was from a sob escaping his body, ripping through him and clawing to escape its rib cage chamber, but a bubbling laughter spilled out of his mouth and John let go shocked to see a hysterically laughing Sherlock. "Sherlock?" 

Just with John hushed whisper of his name Sherlock snapped back into being well...Sherlock. Almost as if his brain had shut off for a moment only to reboot and become once more a cold robot. He jumped up onto his feet starting to the kitchen and all John could hear was the kettle being filled. Stunned and a little shaken himself he went to find the man who had just declared his love for him, although at this point John was very concerned about the sanity of Sherlock's earlier ramblings. John's stomach was twisted into a knot unlike any he had learnt in the army and he felt bile in his throat because he had never seen Sherlock act like this. He seemed broken but he picked himself up and got on with it. John was so confused and frighted he needed Sherlock more then ever. Not because he was in danger or needed somewhere to call home but because his heart called for him, although his brain was a merry-go-round that couldn't be stopped by even supermen yet when his eyes looked at the man in the kitchen making tea as if nothing had happened he felt everything slow down and the only thought left was his name.

Sherlock was making tea and whispering nonsense under his breath when John approached him but Sherlock moved further away and John felt his heart stop for a moment. "Sherlock what the hell is going on?" The fear and confusion in the voice of his loved one made Sherlock stop dead in his tracks. He inhaled loudly, the air feeling colder then ever as it rushed to his lungs, turning to face John's beautiful yet sullen eyes that seemed bloodshot from subdued tears. He leaned back on the counter and smiled a little. 

Sherlock didn't really smile with anyone else but John. This time it was different, full of despair but Sherlock never smiled at John like this it was a cross of relief and worry. He had a million different smiles for all sorts of things but this was a apologetic smile and it made John wish that the ground around him would just open up and swallow him because, he never wanted Sherlock to be sorry for loving him in fact he never wanted Sherlock to be sorry. Time and time again Sherlock would do thing to make John believe that maybe this man wasn't a genius but an idiot. Then he would save a life or solve a crime and John would remember all over again that Sherlock was a divine creature from outer space that no one could understand except John. This smile made John's knees weak this was not the Sherlock he had admired for so long. Sherlock Holmes apologies for nothing therefore John hated this smile.

"I'm sorry John. Nothing is going on. Maggie...she's an old friend so to speak. She visited me a long time ago...before I meet you. John there are many things that I can explain to you but the way I feel about you...that is unexplainable. It is also unacceptable and I am sorry that I have caused you any sort of emotional despair, fear or discomfort. You are welcome to hit me or leave and we will never speak of this again." Sherlock's eyes were closed at this point and John stood with his eye brows furrowed and his hands tangled together his thumb slowly moving around his knuckles. "I..." John shook his head and stood straight like the solider he was because that's what John needed right now. He needed to be a solider and stand straight, nod and escape from this trap he was caught in. 

John had been with Sherlock a very long time and every now and then he would sit with a date in a nice restaurant as the droned on about their boring lives and wish more then anything Sherlock would be there instead. I'm sorry to say, dear reader, that this did not stop the anger that bubbled inside of John as he heard the words Sherlock had let spill from his lips play over in his mind 'unacceptable' 'despair' so before John could explode with upset and rage he decided instead to leave this trap he was now becoming more entangled in. "I'm going for a walk." As John left, Sherlock sunk to the ground pulling his knees to his chest and for the first time in forever let himself cry as he realised what he had done but in the same breath what he had yet to do.

2 hours later.

John walked through the door of 221B to find Sherlock laying on the floor facing the ceiling at first John thought the worst. Worry coursing through his mind but afraid to move from his spot, voices started to whisper questions of horror. What if he's overdosed? What if Maggie's man had come back and killed him? What if...? But as John approached he saw Sherlock was far from dead but was sleeping peacefully in his arms he cradled tightly one of John's jumpers to his chest. It seemed to be wet and one last look at Sherlock confirmed that it was from tears.

Sherlock's eyes were puffy and sore from wiping tears. Sighing John picked Sherlock up, feeling a strange sort of happiness that Sherlock was so close to him, caring him to his bedroom. He let Sherlock cling to him as if it was his last hopes of survival, making John all too aware of how light Sherlock was becoming. John could feel the bones of his ribs digging into him as Sherlock grabbed at him trying to be closer. 

As John placed Sherlock gently on the bed he stirred, without a second thought John just ran his fingers into his hair and lay next to him humming quietly something oddly familiar. Sherlock was in a deep sleep when he let his arm tangle around John's waist at first John was stiff and panicked a little but then when he looked at Sherlock's face ever good memory they shared came rushing back. Even though Sherlock was a man and he knew if anyone could see him now they would judge his actions John relaxed into Sherlock. Every time Sherlock had saved him. Every smile. Every laugh. John relaxed into Sherlock and realised although that night was dark and cold John could feel the warmth that Sherlock gave him and his mind was bright with his love for Sherlock. John was confused, scared but in that moment he knew that he loved Sherlock. John leaned down laying a small kiss on Sherlock's forehead before falling asleep himself.