Asymmetrics

• C H A P T E R 6 | OKAY, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING •

Karen's perspective

I'm awake. Am I? Am I really awake? Or is this just another delusion that I've gone through already?

I didn't want to move away from the window anymore, I wanted to stay there for the rest of the day, I wanted to freeze eternally.

I didn't wanna move not because I was afraid, okay maybe I was, but in my mind, I didn't want to move cause I don't want to go through it again, whatever it is.

I can't remove it from my mind, I've gone through this already, I've woken up already, I've done this already I kept repeating inside my brain.

The main question was, am I really awake? I checked my alarm clock once again, 6:37 Nov. 9.

I don't want to move, I don't want to go on, because I really am afraid, I'm afraid that if I go on the same thing will happen again, I'm afraid to keep steady inside a loop, a loop in time, I'm afraid to think that this isn't normal anymore, as if anything is still normal.

Normal, yeah that's a good question, is anything even normal anymore? Are there even things in life that are supposed to be called normal?

I think about the word normal the way I think about the word present.

You've heard about that, haven't you? Of course, you did. I heard it from a friend, Maryse, she's crazy. She told me that she had it in her own realization.

Present? There's no such thing as that she told me, and of course, I asked why. There's no such thing as the present because everything you do is already called past and whatever you plan to do can be called future. Well, that was what she said, but I didn't understand, and I don't believe that you do either. So I asked her to elaborate it a bit more.

What I'm telling you is she took her phone out of her bag then opened it at her messages if I text something to you right now it isn't present, cause I already did it. I still didn't understand what she's trying to tell me at all.

Okay, tell me what presently is for you. She asked me. I answered to her saying that present is the tense where you're still doing something. For example, you're walking right now, that's the present. Right after I told her that I quite understood what she meant.

No that's not it, when you walk you take your left foot to step then your right foot, as you were saying walking is present tense, Nah, walking is past tense cause by walking I've already used my right foot to step then my left foot then my right and so on, there is no present everything you're doing is called past. She told me.

Blown. That's exactly how Id like to define my thoughts at that moment. Me telling you this isn't present, me telling you this is already past. She added.

So do you understand what I mean by saying present? Why?

'Cause there's nothing normal in this world anymore. None. Everything's weird, everything's unusual, everything's strange, there's always something wrong with everything.

And there's no such thing as 'something happens for a reason' nope. Life is just a bitch and she wants to keep screwing up with you and your thoughts.

I rubbed my hands on my pants, their sweating again, this is too much stress.

I took medicine to calm myself down a bit then I drank water.