You'll Be the Death of Me

Change?

As Jamie drives through the evergreen pine trees I think about life. Just last week I was a normal girl, living a normal life. But now, now I was this-this murderer. It was all just supposed to be a joke, a taunt, payback for all the years of humiliation. I guess it's karma. What happened to being the "better" person? Shay wasn't that bad of a person, yeah she was kind of mean at times, but that was who she was. Was. 

Now she would never grow up to have children, or go to college and become a forensics scientist like she always told me she wanted to. I can't imagine not ever living life out as God planned me to live it. And this was all my fault.  My fault for ever coming up with the idea. I look over at Jamie, his knuckles pale from the pressure he was gripping onto the steering wheel. He looks at me and shoots me a dimply smile. A fake smile. Even Jamie wasn't able to give a real smile at a time like this. I glance at our intertwined fingers. At least there was one source of happiness, our newly discovered "love". It just couldn't be, but there was nothing stopping our friendship. 

Finally, Jamie pulls up at a camping site. I grip his hand harder. He squeezes my hand and lets it go. I get out of the car and strap my backpack over my shoulder while hands me his backpack and picks up the camping equipment. 

When we were younger he used to be shorter and weaker than me. I always taunted him for this, but as soon as we entered the ninth grade he got these sudden growth spurts and became taller and bigger than me. Ever since that, I've always seen him as the protector of us both. The one who could fight and win, but at those times it was all jokes and fun. Now we had a burden. 

We walked through the forest to find the best place to camp. Maybe if we finished this fast, all the worries that have been adding up in my stomach will finally fly away. There has not been a day where I feel relief ever since "The Accident". Jamie puts down the equipment and starts assembling the tents. Minute by minute my heart starts beating faster. "Jamie, I'm scared." I admit. He turns to me and nods his head. 

"I'd say there's nothing to be scared of, but I don't want to lie to you." He says, a look of pity appearing on his face. I turn away, a tear escaping the corner of my eye. Suddenly he grabs my wrist and turns me around. His deep green eyes gaze into mine hoping to console me. I hug him tightly and rest my head on his chest. We stand like that for a few seconds before he puts a space between us and wipes my tears away with his finger, ever so gently caressing my cheek. I would like to feel like everything would be okay, but it was unrealistic. Nothing would ever be okay again. I let go of Jamie completely  and help him finish setting up the tents. 

After we finish I grab our backpacks from the ground and throw them carelessly into the tents. It looked darker by now, soon we would start our plan, but  for now we just needed to make a fire. Jamie and I walked into the woods in silence. Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, the leaves sang. Suddenly the silence filled the air and I could no longer take it. 

"Jamie, we need to talk." I blurt while picking up a branch or two. He turns to me abruptly and in confusion. 

"What about?" He asks me. I take one last breath and continue what I tried to start hours ago. 

"About last night." I manage to get out, I see his body stiffen at the mention of it. "I want to know if anything changed between us." I continue with all the courage I can muster. He looks at me for a second.

"I don't know, V. Do you want things to change between us? I do, I've been suppressing my feelings about you for a while now. It felt good finally admitting it to you." He walks closer, his beautiful green eyes locking with mine. "Has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful hazel eyes?" He asks me. I blush in anger. 

"That is not what we are talking about right now!" I say in exasperation. He was sweet, but sometimes he went completely off topic. "Of course I don't want things to change between us. I don't want to ruin our friendship because of these feelings you say you have for me. You never know, they could disappear just as fast as they appeared." I try to reason calmly, but the look of hurt on his face is enough to make me break. All I've ever wanted was for him to be happy. But how could I make him happy now that I know it could tear us apart forever? He flinches and starts to back away.

"I don't know, V. All I know is that what I feel for you is bigger than both of us. It's not going to disappear at the snap of a finger. And nothing, nothing can ever tear us apart." He tries to take my hand but I pull it away. 

"Let's just finish this." I say, and without building a fire we head to the car. Maybe everything would go back to normal after we got this done. Maybe.