Spark // Harry Styles

Chapter VIII - Dear Harry

(PLEASE READ) A/N: I can't believe we're so close to the ending. In case you didn't know, this is the very last chapter. Well the last one will be the Epilogue which I don't know if you consider as a chapter or not, but you get what I mean. Anyways, this one took me a bit more to write not because it's bigger but because I needed to know what I really wanted to tell here. Thank you for patiently waiting!  I hope you like this one and, don't kill me, but I also hope it makes you cry. For this chapter I chose two songs and if you can, please make sure you listen to them while you read. The songs are 'Paper Hearts', by Tori Kelly and 'Sad Beautiful Tragic' by Taylor Swift. Just before I finish this note, I just wanted to let you know I intend on doing a Q&A chapter after I finish the book where I'll answer questions about the plot, the characters, the songs, the inspiration behind the story, anything about Spark you want to know. So, if you'd like to ask me something please send me a personal message with your question(s) and I'll be sure to answer them then. Thank you for reading and supporting Spark. Don't forget to vote and comment! (Let's get this story ranked one more time!).

    Dear Harry,

    I find it rather ironic how I am writing you a letter. I always thought our relationship was too crazy for such cliché displays of affection. But then again, I never thought I would ever be without you and here I stand.

    It’s no coincidence that I am writing you today. As you may remember, I am sure you would, today is our one-year anniversary. Remember how you drove us to see the fireworks last New Years’ Eve? Well, that’s what I am about to see. I am currently standing on top of my car, pretty much like we were back then, and I am writing you this letter while waiting for the show to start. Though I still have two hours to go.

    Not much has happened ever since you left. Okay, maybe a lot happened to me, but the rest of the world remains unaltered. Oblivious to everything we went through. I used to think our love could change the world, move mountains, but I guess the only thing it shook was our universe. But I am getting off topic here… I’ve spent these past weeks between our house and Albert’s. And in case you’re wondering, Albert is the man whom you apologized too. We have become really close, and he understands me better than I ever imagined. He knows when I need space or when I need a shoulder to cry on. Surprisingly, he also reminds me a lot of you and in a strange kind of way, that’s somewhat reassuring.

    I am not going to lie to you, Harry, you left me in a big, chaotic mess. Such a mess that now, even though I like to tell myself otherwise, I still want to blame you for what happened. What did you expect? I just think it was not right of you to make decisions for me. If we had talked we could’ve figured it out together. We could have reached some sort of agreement. But instead you just took the easy way out and left. I know you said you could never live in a world where I didn’t exist, and in a way that explains your behaviour. But then what about me? Had you ever even considered the fact that I might not be able to live without you either? Were you always so blind to that truth?

    My body still aches, still trembles, every time my body is consumed by flashbacks from that night. I guess I’ll never really know what happened. Maybe you were too tired to keep fighting. Maybe you weren’t yourself that night. Or maybe it was all because this love was so toxic that it could only end in tragedy. I know you never meant to hit me, and I am just sorry for not being able to stop you before things got out of control. I tried so hard to stop your tears. But you were simply too damaged to respond. But never doubt my words, all I said was true. My happiness depended upon yours and I could’ve never ignored your whimpers because they hurt me worse than my own.

    I may be the most selfish person for saying this but despite it all, if I were given a choice now, I would’ve still gone through everything. I would have repeated it all over again. I would’ve made the same mistakes, well, all but the last one, but I would have experienced it all again, just so I could see that face one more time. Just so I could die one day knowing I had lived. Knowing I had been loved. Harry, I would repeat it all over again because I got to meet you, the one who despite tossing and turning my life upside down at times, also showed me a variety of colours that adding to my crayon pallet, made my collection complete. 

    Harry, my love, I still don’t want to admit you’re not here with me anymore. I don’t want to admit you’re gone for good. I’ve gone past the wearing your clothes, using your perfume, visiting your workplace whenever the crowds have all gone home. I’ve gone past setting the table for two at dinner, hoping you’ll open the door and run into my arms, telling me how much you’ve missed me. But I still sleep with your pillow. And I still carry that one photo we took together during the summer everywhere I go. I still listen to your favourite song every day and I still visit this exact place way more than I should.

    Did you know I started writing a book? I’ve had lots of ideas for novels, love stories that unlike my own have a bit of a better ending. But the first I decided to write was ours. It was by no means perfect, but I still think I needed to let people know. I needed to tell the world how strong this love was. But I also needed to tell them how playing with fire isn’t as harmless as magicians make it look like. That night, outside the club, I pushed my insecurities away so I could follow my instinct, telling me to find out more about you. But I also shoved my reasoning aside when I did that, leading to the building up of the anxiety that drove us to an inevitable fall. I just want to make sure they don’t lose themselves in this game people call love. Because I almost did. I’ll tell them about the colours and the glitter. I’ll tell them your story, but I’ll also make sure that some memories remain safely bottled in time. Some things should die undiscovered. We knew them, and that’s all that really matters.

    You left me a total wreck, completely alone, but just know that deep down I never really am. Your presence is everywhere. You’re presence follows me like a sunflower desperate for a ray of sunshine. I feel you in the cars that drive by my side; in the planes flying high. You’re in the smile Albert gives me whenever I pay him a visit, and in the words I write when inspiration takes over. You fill the atmosphere in our little apartment and you’re the sunlight shinning through the windows in the morning, waking me up. I can almost feel your hands wrapped around my waist and your lips pressed against my delicate skin whenever I open my eyes to welcome a new day.

    I still don’t know why you did what you did. If you had thought it all through, or if you were just bewildered. If you knew what was coming and welcomed death with open arms or if you were scared out of your mind. I don’t even know if I crossed your thoughts, even if for just a split second, when you were driving down this lonely road. But perhaps this is one of those questions I’ll never find an answer to. I’ll just have to grow used to it, day by day, and accept that we do not hold within ourselves the answers for all the questions we’ll ever have. Maybe all I’ll ever know is that you loved me.

    I experienced a fleeting taste of heaven in the few months we spent together and now I live a lifetime of memories with you, my guardian angel, constantly by my side. I know I’d pretty naïve if I said I’ll never forget these moments, if I said I’ll never forget your voice, because the truth is that time will keep passing by and each second that has now gone by will inevitably become a minute, an hour, a day, a month, a year, and slowly but effectively, time will remove all parts of you I still hold onto. Still, I know the impact you caused. I know how you changed me as if I were a sketch waiting for your wit in order to be turned into a painting. And those very changes are the only thing I’ll have left when everything else has been erased from my memory.       

    Maybe I always belonged to the earth and maybe you always belonged to the skies above. But it makes me so damn happy that we got to meet halfway, even if only for the duration of this short love story. Harry, my love, although I would like to, I can’t promise I’ll never fall in love again. I can’t promise eternal loyalty to you. But if there’s something I am positive about in this life is that I will never love someone the way I loved you. The way I still do. I like to think that the spark that hit us, like lighting during a stormy night, only comes once in a lifetime.

    Thank you for all the moments. Thank you for giving me the key to your heart, to your body, to your mind and to your soul. You were, still are, and will always be my person, no matter how many miles, or clouds, away you are from me. 

    I’ll indeterminately hold a piece of yours,

    Autumn