Make Me Feel Better, I Need To Feel Better (Reddie)

Chapter Nine

Eddie

"Wow you love me? That's pretty gay." I didn't know how to take the admission so I decided to take Richie's normal stance and make a joke out of an awkward situation. Surely he meant it in a platonic way. We were together sure, but in love? Already? How was I even supposed to handle such intense emotions when our relationship was the way it was? "Well you are my boyfriend so I'd say we're both past gay. But yes, I'm in love with you." In love. Panic immediately washed over me causing me to shoot off of his bed and start stammering. 

"I um... I don't love you." I knew it was the wrong thing to say the moment it left my mouth but it was too late. "Wow what the fuck Eddie? Did you really have to put it that way? Jesus fuck, I try everything I can to be considerate of you and you can't even take two seconds to think about the words coming out of your mouth?" The one thing I hated about Richie was that some of the smallest things seemed to make him fly off the handle. Yeah maybe I worded it a little harsh but come on.

  "What else was I supposed to do? I'm not going to lie to you! And you kinda caught me a little off guard." This didn't seem to calm him any at all, if anything he only seemed to get more heated. "No it's because everyone thinks I'm supposed to just sit here and always bottle up my fucking feelings. You, our friends. I never get to talk about the shit that bothers me because the moment I do everyone just tells me to stop thinking about it because they think I'm going to off myself the first chance I get. Or you're my parents who couldn't care less about what happens to me at all. I'm so tired of having to fucking hide how I feel about everything!" I started to feel a little bad but I wasn't going to lie to him and tell him I felt something I didn't. I knew he'd eventually settle down and see my side. I just had to wait it out.

  "For fucks sake Richie, I'm not telling you to bottle up your feelings! I'm telling you that you surprised me and I'm not at that point yet. I love you as my best friend, of course, but I don't think I'm in love with you right now." His eyes softened a bit then and so did his face. He let out a soft sigh and stood on slightly shaky legs. He made his way over to me and wrapped me in a hug. "I don't mean to get so angry about things that seem so small. Even after all these years you still don't know everything about me and that's my fault. I know you've never made me bottle up my emotions. The truth is I'm afraid to tell you a lot of how I feel because I'm afraid you won't be able to deal with it."

  I guess I could understand that because I was already worried about what I apparently didn't know about my best-friend of 10 years and boyfriend of less than a month.  I pulled back from our embrace and looked him in his eyes. His pretty brown eyes were magnified by his glasses. "Just tell me. Everything. Right now Richie." The demand was soft but it was clear. He let out a breath and lead me to his bed where both of us sat down. He was quiet for a long time. Maybe contemplating if he should tell me or not. Maybe thinking about where to start.

"You know my parents are absent but you don't know how absent. They never wanted a kid at all so from the moment I was born I was always pawned off onto other people from both sides of my family. That is until I got old enough to stay home by myself. Then I was left home by myself for weeks sometimes and even when they were home it's like they weren't. I could literally speak to them and they would act like I wasn't even there. Sure they keep me fed and put a roof over my head but what does it fucking matter? They've never once told me they love me. They never ask me how I'm doing. If I dropped dead I'd be lucky if they didn't just throw me in a dumpster somewhere. Until I met you and everyone else I had no idea what it felt like to have someone legitimately care about me. I never cared about anyone else until then either." 

 He paused to catch his breath and calm himself I think. I could sense he wasn't finished talking so I just waited. His story was breaking my heart and I was starting to understand why Richie could be so emotional at times. "I don't mean to get so upset Eddie. I just care about you more than I have ever cared about anyone or anything and my biggest fear is that you'll never feel the same way about me. I'm so afraid that you'll never love me like I love you." That was it, he shattered my heart right there. Tears started to sting my eyes then and I wept for the taller boy. I felt like if I had gone through what he had I'd react the way he did earlier too. It's not like I hadn't ever freaked out over something small before. I waited until the tears stopped coming to speak.

"Just give it time Richie. This is all new to me too. I mean up until a few years ago I thought I was straight. Now I'm sitting here with my best-friend and boyfriend which is honestly something I never thought would happen. I love you Richie, I'm not quite in love with you but I could be one day. We just have to get through this without leaping from one meltdown to the next." He was relaxed now. His breathing had evened out and any shaking that was going on had ceased. 

"You're right, then again you normally are. We just need to learn to understand each other better. I don't want to fuck this up because I really mean it when I say I love you. Expect to hear that a lot, even if you never say it back." Even with as sweet as Richie was there were still things keeping me from giving him my all. The small fear of how everyone would feel if they found out about us. Then there was the major fear. Richie never knew it but my dad didn't die like my mom made me tell people. He actually left my mom for no apparent reason. He just said he didn't love her anymore and left. What if Richie did the same thing? This left me feeling like I would never get as close to him as he wanted me to.