Make Me Feel Better, I Need To Feel Better (Reddie)

Chapter Eleven

Eddie

I was absolutely in love with Richie Tozier, but I didn't know how to say it. Nor did I want to say it because I knew the moment I did, everything would change. I'd have to let him all the way in. I'd have to trust him with my heart, my soul, my everything. I wasn't ready to do that. I wasn't ready to risk everything for Richie even if I had known him for a long time. I didn't know if I'd ever be ready making me think I shouldn't have kissed him yesterday. Maybe I should just break it off with him and hope our friendship would be okay. Then again deep down in my heart that's not what I wanted at all. I wanted to see this through and not let my stupid worries get in the way.

It would be so much better if I had someone other than Richie to talk to about the situation. I didn't want to worry him more than I already was by letting him know I had my doubts about him. It was 1 in the morning and I couldn't sleep at all. I decided not to stay with Richie tonight because I felt like I needed some space from him. He'd be attached to my hip 24/7 if I let him and I wouldn't mind if I wasn't afraid of getting too close. 

I was pulled from my thoughts when I heard a tapping on my window. I looked over expecting to see Richie but it was Matt. What the hell? I made my way over to the window and opened it. The blonde haired boy made his way into my bedroom quietly. "You do know it's 1 in the morning right?"

"Of course I know that but it seems like neither of us can sleep. I'm glad I didn't wake you. I've just had a lot on my mind since I met you guys. Since you're Richie's best friend I figured I'd ask you about him." He wanted to talk about Richie? Why? A nervous feeling swept over me as I felt I knew exactly what this was about.

"Well what is it you want to know?"

"I was mainly wondering if he's single. I haven't been able to stop thinking about the kid since I met him. Even if he isn't gay I think I could get him around to my way of thinking." He said with a stupid smirk on his stupid face. I now understood completely why Richie was jealous before because now  I could feel the same emotion hitting me hard. Matt was very attractive as Richie had pointed out before and Eddie was legitimately concerned that if Matt wanted to he could have Richie. The worst part about it all was, Eddie couldn't tell Matt that Richie was with him.

"He's single for sure but he's also 100% straight so you're going to have a hard time with that one." I wanted this kid out of my room and out of my life all of a sudden. Maybe the group didn't need new people. "We'll see. Thanks dude. I may need your help at some point though." I agreed but only because I wanted him away from me. As soon as I could I'd be going to Richie's house to talk to him about this. "Oh and one more thing, don't tell anyone including Richie or I'll make up some story to tell your mom about you and him fucking." With that he left through my window and I was frozen in place.

My two biggest fears were drug up in one situation. I had to do everything I could to keep Richie away from Matt, which shouldn't be too hard, hopefully. 

I barely slept at all that night and as soon as the sun came up I was out my door. I made the short walk to Richie's and walked right into his house. When I entered his room I wasn't surprised that he was still sleeping. It was only 7 in the morning. What exactly was I supposed to do? I hadn't really though it through before going to his house. I couldn't tell him about Matt and me coming here this early just looked bad. I tried to sneak back out of his room but...

"Eds? What are you doing here?" I felt tears start to sting my eyes but I blinked them back before I turned to face him. He was sitting up in his bed and putting his glasses on, concern clouding his features. "I don't know. I just couldn't sleep last night and I was hoping you'd be up but you weren't. You probably want to go back to sleep and  I should just go and--"

"You're lying and you need to tell me what's wrong so I can help." God damn him for knowing me so well. He was making his way towards me now. Once he got to me, he took my hand in his and lead me over to his bed where we sat in silence for a moment. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to lie but I had to. I wanted to tell him everything but I just couldn't. "I can't tell you okay? I want to so fucking bad but it could ruin everything, for both of us." I felt him stiffen beside me and then he spoke.

"Eddie whatever it is I'm sure it can be dealt with but I need you to tell me what's going on." Those pesky tears started stinging my eyes again and this time they broke through. I'd finally stopped using my inhaler but now I wished I had it. My breath was coming short and there was nothing to help ground me. But of course  I seemed to forget that Richie had a spare which he pulled out of his side-table drawer and passed to me. "This must be pretty serious. You don't ever really use that thing anymore. Please, Eds you're killing me here." I didn't know what to do so I made a very split and very stupid decision.

"I'm fucked in the head and I don't know if I can ever really let myself love you." 

"Well this sure is one awesome fucking way to start the day. Um... Care to elaborate so maybe I don't have to lose my shit right now?" I could already feel him start to shake beside me and it felt like someone shoved an icy blade through my heart. If I wanted to stop myself from losing him I had to tell him something. I didn't have to tell him about Matt but maybe it was time to tell him about my dad.

"Look my dad... He didn't die. That's just what my mom tells people and that's what she makes me tell people. The truth is he left her. He left her for seemingly no reason at all after years of unconditional love. One day I guess he just stopped feeling it because that's what he told her when he left. Since then I am absolutely mortified to let anyone get that close to me. I don't want to be shattered the way he shattered her. My mom used to be so different. I don't want it to happen to me." 

A/N: Going to cliff hanger this shit. Will Richie be totally cool about it or will he get offended?  Find out next time ;)