Replay

September 17, 2011

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Everyone tries to matter, Alice Williams. It's a sad thing and yet, maybe even a good thing.

It can bring the best and worst in people. A gift and a curse. Because how many people really matter in the end?

History's filled with people who've done some great, big things. it's all about saving some country, or conquering one, or killing someone. Then after that, what they do can reach past their lifetimes.

Still, everyone tries to matter. Even in the smallest way possible, they try to matter. And that's how high school works, isn't it?

Since you talked to me, I felt like I mattered more. I know that's something no one would or could ever admit - but you started talking to me and hanging out with me and I started to feel like I wasn't just some shadow at school.

C'mon, Pete, you're too... you to be just a shadow now.

So, September 17. What day was that?

Saturday.

I saw you in the park. You were alone again. Didn't really think of it, and I was about to head home, but instead I found myself heading towards where you sat. Before I got there, I paused, suddenly unsure if I should bother you or not.

You weren't really doing anything either, just sat there, earphones plugged in. (I didn't think you were listening to music, though - you looked too distant.)

So I headed back where I came from, deciding you didn't have to know I was there in the first place. But because I don't have an ounce of stealth in me, I tripped over a rock.

Thank God you did.

"Peter?" You asked, turning to face me.

"Hi," I said, scrambling off the ground.

You pursed your lips. I could tell you were about to laugh. "Are you alright?"

"Me? Oh, yeah, 'course I am," I said.

"Sure?" You were turning back around in you seat now, moving slightly to the side and patting the space next to you.

I sat next to you. "Are you?"

Your eyebrow twitched. "Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

It was silent for a while. I stared at a leaf that fell from a tree, watching as it was about to hit the ground. But before it did, the wind came in and carried it to who knows where.

You broke the silence first: you said, "So why are you here?"

"Thought I should say hi."

"Aren't you polite," you teased.

"I was a scout before."

You snorted. "Of course you were."

We ran out of things to say. It was getting awkward. You were biting your lip and shifting a lot, I was just trying to think of something to say. But gods, did I want the awkwardness to be over. It wasn't until a bird almost - wait, no, it wasn't until a bird shat on my shoulder that the silence was broken.

You laughed. Thanks, Al. I cursed but I wasn't exactly stupid, I at least didn't try to wipe it off me with my hands. Took my jacket off instead, and tossed it next to me.

"That was nice," I snorted.

You snorted too. "You're sort of a fun guy, you know that?"

No, I didn't. And that's exactly what I told you.

"You are, you idiot!" Another eye roll from you.

With my previous social experiences - which were close to none - I didn't say anything (because I didn't know what so say).

"So who were you friends with before I so rudely barged into you life?" You still sounded teasing. Do you ever not tease, Alice?

"I'm friends with this guy named Sam."

"And?" I almost snorted again when you asked this.

"That's it. Just him."

You were quiet for a while. I looked at your face; your eyebrows were furrowed and I could tell you were trying to think of something to say without making me feel offended afterwards.

I shrugged. "It's alright, told you I wasn't the guy people noticed, much less mattered to anyone."

You looked at me, smiled and shook your head. "Well, the way I see it, you don't have to conquer some country - not in these times at least - and you don't have to be known by everyone to really matter," you paused, thinking over you words, "see, you do matter, just not in the way everyone makes it seem."

I tilted my head. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, everyone tries to matter, Peter Haloway. But it shouldn't just be about mattering to everyone - because let's face it, you can't do that - what's important is knowing that you at least matter to some. You matter to the ones you care about and vice versa."

The wind got faster. I stayed silent.

"We may not be written in some history book, Peter Haloway, but you do exist in people's minds and memories. And that's enough, don't you think?" Your cheeks and nose were red from the cold.

I paused. Because once again I got a glimpse of you genius - and it's wonderful. "You're right, Alice Williams."

You smirked. "Damn right I am."

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Peter Haloway, you idiot. I still don't hate you though.

Sighing, I stared up at the ceiling. The tears were long gone, now replaced with a numb pang in my chest. A numb, heavy pang, making it seem difficult to breathe. It was still afternoon and I should eat but I could always do that tomorrow.

School starts again tomorrow. The weekend's almost over and I'm dreading it. No doubt I'll be bombarded with rude stares and lingering whispers. But I'll have to face it, don't I? That's what this whole thing is about - getting up and facing things.

I fucking hate it.

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(author's note): alright, this took long and if you need reasons, i didn't have wifi for at least a week because my dad accidentally burned some wire that affected said wifi connection. so sorry for the lack of comments from alice during the recording. kinda got deep here, actually, i hope it wasn't confusing. also! i'm interested in your opinions on who you picture as alice and peter. just comment below, will you?

x defuse