What is Love? [BxB]

ii

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              ii – who are you?

I let out a small groan of frustration from the unruly sound emitting from my alarm clock, indicating yet another day of school. Usually I don’t mind waking up for school since it's more of a distraction for me, but today is going to different, I can just feel it. And I know exactly why it’s going to be different; I’m in another one of those moods.

It’s not a mood that is easily defined, or even explainable, I just know that I am going to feel like I’m in a slump the entire day. I will feel nauseous half the time, everything around me will seem less lively, and basically everything in general is just going to be plain depressing. A parade could be going on around me and I just won’t be able to feel the joy that other people will be feeling.

Though it is a hard feeling to describe, if I had to put it in one word I would say dead. Not literally dead, but figuratively. It’s just a depressing feeling and I rarely ever get these feelings on weekdays, it’s only ever weekends, so it strikes me as odd as to why I’m feeling like this on a Monday morning. Although, my mind isn’t really dwelling on that minor flaw as much, but the more brain throbbing thoughts such as not wanting to leave my bed the entire day.

I never really enjoy these kinds of days, honestly, and I try to do everything in my power to feel somewhat happier again so I don’t worry anyone with my behaviour— not that my wellbeing worries many— but sometimes it’s just all too much for me to handle and I can’t help but feel this way.

No one is even aware that I can get this depressed, depressed to the point of not wanting to be around anyone, but I do everything I can to hide it away. To seem happier, smile more, interact with people, but it’s just too damn hard most of the time, it’s draining. The only one well aware of these kinds of days, though, is my best friend, Jason Diaz; I like to call him Jace though.

I never even intended for him to find out either, he just caught me in one of them one Saturday morning, crying for no apparent reason. As soon as he entered my bedroom at that exact moment, though, I wiped every single tear away and tried to seem like my regular self but he caught on to my odd behaviour. Then he demanded to know exactly what was wrong so, I told him, and I don’t even regret that decision of opening up to him because that day he spent the entire day with me, making me feel better.

From then on he said that I should call him up if I am ever feeling that depressed, or if I just want to talk. I’m really grateful for him, no matter what people think or say about him, he’ll always be my best friend, my brother. He is just a bundle of joy that can bring light into anyone’s world and I’m glad to have him in my life. He’s always been there for me since the first day of high school, and forevermore I hope.

The slightest of smiles spread across my face, just from the thought of being able to see him today, but that flame of happiness was devoured when I realize that I actually have to get out of bed first and have encounters with other people before I can see him. Now, I know you may be thinking I have a thing for him, but it’s nothing of the sort. He’s just my best friend and there will never be any romantic feelings between us, I just love him as a brother. Like, it’s this feeling of never wanting him to leave my life.

I reached over to my nightstand, slamming the snooze button on alarm clock, which I had yet to do, and roll back over in my bed to try and fall back asleep for just a few more minutes. There is this peace I want to regain from the day before, and I feel like if I can get my eyes to close once again and have my head stop wandering then I will be able to gain that peace again.

A low breath leaves my lips, I inhale then exhale. Breathing excises Jace told me to do if I wasn’t ever able to reach him, and they usually help, just not today. Today everything seems to be getting worse as my head starts filling with unwanted thoughts that make my brain throb. These are the kinds of thoughts Jace said to stray away from but right now it seems almost impossible to rid of them; these thoughts of emptiness, loneliness, and just this cold feeling.