Bittersweet Symphony: Simply Ashton (On Hold)

Chapter 4

When I first saw her, she was just an ordinary twelve year old. Her wild, brown hair was flowing carelessly in the hot summer wind, I still remember her expression changing from a happy one to an exasperated one, as she saw me approach her and her friends.

I had that effect on all the kids. I was the kind of person whom the kids interpreted as the rude, unfriendly one, and yea, they were right.

So, they ignored me. Thus, I respected kids. I've always liked them because they never liked me. I have always wished matured people could understand this simle fact: I hate people.

Anyway, she actually came to my notice when she showed me her remorse about the fact that I spat on the field by verbally shouting at me.

Shouting at me.

Me, Ashton Dawson.

Kids resented me alright, but they never had the guts to show their disrespect towards me.

So, it was at that exact moment she came into my notice, actually.

She was looking at me cross-eyed; her face covered with an abundance of hair... her eyes were screaming of the anger she was feeling towards me.

I was a passionate person. I liked other passionate people.

She looked like one.

A gorgeous mess of chaos, wonder, passion and strength...

That's Adelene, how I see her.

I watched her as she stomped away, confidently, never turning back.

All I could do, was wonder.

The very next day, she had received the biggest shock of her life. Just like I had.

I could feel her pain. I had gone through it once, I was sure I wouldn't be able to comprehend with that kind of sadness again. It still aches.

When I remember the way my mother used to smile...it was and will be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Ever.

She was so beautiful, inside out, I was sure she outshone all the other angels up there.

As I say this, a tear rolls down my eye.

I miss her.

I could see Adelene disintegrate day by day, just like me.

I didn't want that to happen to her. I had no one, I took to being the saddest and the most disgusting company one could ever wish for.

I was resented and hated.

No matter how much I say I don't care about people, blah blah, at some point, I do. 

I did care.

Don't we all? We can pretend to be the strongest and the  meanest, but only to the world.

Most of us, we weep at that time between midnight and dawn, crying out all we feel in that loneliest hour, thinking everyone is asleep but us, we cry because of the contentment and remorse of it all.

That is the type of crying which washes us from the inside, just enough, so that we can survive the next day with a smile of our faces.

That day, the first of May of the year that changed my way of viewing the world, that changed my perception, I thought about my mother the whole night.

That, after my mind had drifted away from that feisty twelve year old.

I decided to take a walk after playing some guitar. After playing 'In Loving Memory' over and over.

It was the middle of the night. That night. I was walking, all alone.

An owl perched upon the nearby tree hooted. Loudly. Into the overwhelming silence of the calm night.

I stopped.

I searched for it...the owl.

I spotted it. It's yellow eyes stared back at me, it sat there on the branch. Motionless.

I held it's gaze until I got tired, finally blinking away.

Huge trees surrounded me, eeriness enveloping me into it's arms, the night engulfed me into itself, showing off it's might.

The trees, which looked so green and lush when the sun kissed them, looked ghost-like at that moment.

They were pitch black. They looked as if they were cursing me. 

Cursing me for all the mistakes I have ever made in my entire existence on this planet.

I could hear some insects. Their voices pierced my ears, I was liking the complete silence.

But I won't get it. We don't get what we want.

Or what we need.

Or what we think we need.

World doesn't work like that. Every morning is an opportunity, we are hopeful.

But as the evening sets in, the dusk brightens our minds.

We, everyday, pretend that it has been a great day. We, everyday survive with a smile.

Only to reach the final conclusion in the end: It was a normal day. Nor happy, nor sad.

If it was a blissful one for me, it was a nightmare for someone else.

If I was drowning in sorrow and remorse today, someone was dancing with joy, at that very second.

I walked into the forest clearing.

The ground was covered with a blanket of dark green grass, which looked as if they'll eat me up, swallow me down, if I step on them.

I stepped on the dark green sheet anyway.

The grass and maybe a few grasshoppers and lady birds here and there, crunched beneath my feet.

Another mistake.

A pathetic and sad smile spread across my face.

I found a stone to sit on. The night was now starry, as the ghosts of those trees were left behind by me.

I kept my right hand on my knee, my left led was relaxed.

I was half laying, half sitting on that rock. It was quite a large one, fortunately for me.

My back was arched and my head was now hanging low.

Soon tears were flowing out of my eyes, effortlessly, ceaselessly...remorsefully.

I couldn't bear the pain anymore, it was getting too heavy in my chest...I wept.

The twinkling stars comforted me, they held me in their arms until I couldn't stand the loneliness anymore.

And then I sobbed some more.

Then a little bit more.

My heart went all out, tormented with emotions, bruised with rejection and pained without attention.

Wiping my tears I was now on that dreaded walk - back to that place.

The place which was supposed to be my 'home'.

It lost the right to be defined by that adjective as soon as my mother made her way to heaven, never to return back.

Overwhelmed with emotions, I was now on the doorway of that building, entering reluctantly into a richly decorated living room, hoping I had spent the night beneath the stars, when she could be watching me, from above.